practice makes perfect - i stood on a mountain that crumbled from beneath my feet. gravitating expectations and grounding more than my hope, more than my faith, more than my mind and more than the meaning i thought was behind my name... these days i practice more ways of listening with my soul and u speak in ways that do not employ the organized assembly to understand what broke ur heart, just the patience to enjoy the fall.
honesty is the best policy - and if i ever gave u the wrong impression of me, my shallow apologies to u. we all want peace. but we find the eery harmony calling in the broken records hanging inside this house offering wishing wells and rolling dice, so what the fuck are u asking for... and the revolving door of loyalty is running 24 hrs a day. so forgive me for not dividing my heart, i had only one, before she stole it.
u can't please everybody - without regards for diplomacy i give u the truth. i hold myself responsible for making sure i do just fuckin fine. and my own convictions are safely kept where heaven houses an angel with broken wings. but heaven doesn't hold a candle to where i left ur misery behind. u see. if u ever crossed me it was not becuz i lacked the judgement to foretell... if i gave u a chance its cuz i liked u, even if i knew u would take it, fuck urself, like blowin life here on earth straight to hell. u see i always had mine, i was here to help u find urs.
the best things in life are free - not true. salvation is the only thing that is absolutely free. so dont patronize me with words that i can't distinguish between love and deceit. and the heart on my sleeve won't try and turn ur nickle into a dime. yes, lover yes friend. an eye for an eye. hand for a hand. u give me the sun, i'll give u the sky. DSM
work in progress
i guess its easier to say
it's too late, you don't want me
guess you got your greener pastures
where i got three lines and a setting sun.
tell me where you learned to do that
was there ever a day you needed me?
or if your smile could have spoken true words -
would i have heard my own heart breaking, you see?
hey there don't you turn away
don't you want to see my life walk away?
walk away from me...
hey now baby talk to me
don't you want to tell me what you want to say?
"...Walk away from me"
Aftermath of the Fallen Alter
Taken
this carries a name that bears the sudden conflict of smiles abound and the quiet that never lifted.
when times come that she chooses to cross my mind. she makes me turn away.
But she cannot conceal the fact that nothing remained unchanged after all.
not a ghost in my mind could mirror the encounters of her timeless kind. forces undone all hours i've collected in my hands
and her fantansies engraved at the end of each hour..
when i strike matches to burn the question of whether loss is not always what it seems.
and while i can feel my own heart beating i can only give her what breathing room i always had.
so that as she crosses, i cannot say she really left at all.
but rather brought each borrowed minute with her, and the only bitter cold and sweet sunshine i will ever feel
of her again.
this carries a name that bears the sudden conflict of smiles abound and the quiet that never lifted.
when times come that she chooses to cross my mind. she makes me turn away.
But she cannot conceal the fact that nothing remained unchanged after all.
not a ghost in my mind could mirror the encounters of her timeless kind. forces undone all hours i've collected in my hands
and her fantansies engraved at the end of each hour..
when i strike matches to burn the question of whether loss is not always what it seems.
and while i can feel my own heart beating i can only give her what breathing room i always had.
so that as she crosses, i cannot say she really left at all.
but rather brought each borrowed minute with her, and the only bitter cold and sweet sunshine i will ever feel
of her again.
lessons learned sometimes
sometimes whatever it is, its going to look scarier than it really was meant to be
and sometimes, ur instincts won't be able to tell
but sometimes u are going to just know better when a friend kisses u, theres no going back... even on monday, tuesday, reality... even when the best philosophies sound better. even when the church is empty yes even when the fuckin chairs are on the ceiling i say u just goin to kno better
sometimes maybe is the right answer, and remembering will have to do.
sometimes ur gun is going to jam. and u will say nothing. i'll to u now do not surrender. against all opposition, just before that clear cut ending there is still a two thousand lb bear left inside everybody...
sometimes the cost is going to go up on u, in some places where money doesnt exist.
and sometimes u goin to feel like just giving it away, until there is nothing left of it
sometimes i hate u is no different than i love u, just a different line of bullshit...
sometimes too much is what u really need
sometimes u won't really feel that bullet in the back, but then again, u knew better...
and sometimes its just ur turn, u see
sometimes its too late to apologize, even when u apologizing to me
sometimes u going to let go for good, and the reason -
why... why what. u see sometimes u not ever going to kno why.
but sometimes, torn and burned, u will ask urself out loud anyway and i will tell u all about my lessons learned
sometimes, good people just get rabies.
DSM
and sometimes, ur instincts won't be able to tell
but sometimes u are going to just know better when a friend kisses u, theres no going back... even on monday, tuesday, reality... even when the best philosophies sound better. even when the church is empty yes even when the fuckin chairs are on the ceiling i say u just goin to kno better
sometimes maybe is the right answer, and remembering will have to do.
sometimes ur gun is going to jam. and u will say nothing. i'll to u now do not surrender. against all opposition, just before that clear cut ending there is still a two thousand lb bear left inside everybody...
sometimes the cost is going to go up on u, in some places where money doesnt exist.
and sometimes u goin to feel like just giving it away, until there is nothing left of it
sometimes i hate u is no different than i love u, just a different line of bullshit...
sometimes too much is what u really need
sometimes u won't really feel that bullet in the back, but then again, u knew better...
and sometimes its just ur turn, u see
sometimes its too late to apologize, even when u apologizing to me
sometimes u going to let go for good, and the reason -
why... why what. u see sometimes u not ever going to kno why.
but sometimes, torn and burned, u will ask urself out loud anyway and i will tell u all about my lessons learned
sometimes, good people just get rabies.
DSM
where does faith come from? like literally? is it the same as feelings?
meh. not an easy question wtf
well.
since giving my life to christ, ive come to understand that there are strong differences between faith for a higher power and feelings for a higher power. its been a gradual discovery, a process of natural learning about myself, while struggling... stumbling and learning just who god is.
human emotion is a learned mechanism of surviving. call it a growth hormone... we as, as a whole body, are born into one world. and we as individuals, are born with the ability to feel. but do not be mistaken, we are born selfish creatures..
often times we as humans learn to depend on our emotions to determine our feelings, whether permanent or temporary... chemically driven, can be enhanced by substance or simply produced by the motions of daily living... they influence our relationships, our habits, our trespasses too...they influence us in ways that often times, as the rest of the world evolves around us, our train of thoughts remain stuck, on several tracks... slowly, or very quickly, pulling us in all directions, giving us reasons for which we can only divide our hearts, our minds, sometimes even our souls...
and with no direction in hand, feelings can make or break the promise of new life...
suppose that is why we are so prone to find our faith in other things besides god. we grow dependent on the feelings we find in things that the world offers. be it drugs, alcohol... money. possessions. destructive relationships. the list really do go on and on but u kno how lazy i am u get the jest of it...
fuck i dont want to talk about this. id rather listen to the doors, and let my numbness take the wheel. fuckit im already talkin.... k so
faith is not as easily defined. there is no FAITH 101... it is often mistaken for feelings. yes this i learned the hard way... more importantly tho, ive learned that since giving my life to christ, my feelings don't ever really matter against my faith. here here! have to give thanks, even for the nothings. u see even when the world has shit in my cheerios, i can only make it my first (or second or third)priority to be thankful. not to the world, but to christ. even at my worst, my faith in god is there to pull my hands back and say hey, d fucka, chill the fuck outs bitch.
yes in all my experience of living and losing, ive learned that losing is only temporary. and winning does not even exist.
after completing seminary several years ago (fuck that was a long time ago lol) i looked forward to a life of honesty and redemption. a life of giving to and for god... my years as a firefighter were behind me, or so i thought...
at that time, my feelings were telling me i needed to simply run away. but my faith was driven by the need to get the fuck out of a life where playing with fire was my thrill, and being FIRST was nothing but just another fuckin day on the job... i often had to wonder was my gift for saving lives just a learned skill or was it the bi product of a purpose i did not kno about?
i did kno one thing by then, seeing someone on the brink of death and knowing ur hands are the only hands they have for those few minutes, somehow, god makes himself known around u. u FEEL the urgency. without looking at ur watch u FEEL how many minutes u have. when the persons eyes are fixed on urs, they cannot process what u are saying no matter how loudly u speak in their direction, they are not looking at u. but they FEEL u... load em up, stabilize. give the rest to god ive said.
so yes at that time, i felt god calling me, i heard him... but my eyes could not see fully in his direction. it did not help that getting kicked out of one baptist church (and not yet thrown out of the second) sort of blew the wind out of my fuckin sails.... still, the tat i gave pastor henry's wife came from the heart, semper fi..... and the vodka i gave her was only to numb the pain.
but it was not without making me take a good hard look back and really... really think.... it made no sense. if it was god calling, why was i the way i was... was my faith in him all a dream??? and could i really really abstain from fornicating???? and no smoking??? WTF????? yea. suppose i had some answers to find, and fuck the best ones i could get my hands on, these answer had to be RIGHT. i knew that much.
i realized that it was not god calling me to become a preacher. as good as everybody said i was, that they could feel my words roll off the tip of my tongue and feel the lord coming thru them.... i realized that if anything, god was calling me to do something, but to preach, no. in fact, i realized that even tho i had a passion for the lord and bringing others by the masses to him, it could very well have been turned a weapon, having led the lost straight into the path of destruction, where i was already an expert. shhit. yeeeea. go me right.
moral of the story, i learned the hard way that faith cannot be taught. a person who has none cannot be taught where to grow faith. not any more than a preacher who is lost can be taught how to preach it.
feelings well... it is ok to have feelings. but it is even better to have faith. cuz in this world, we are only human, as primarily lost as we are naturally chosen to be born. as thirsty to conquer as we are hungry for peace. as quick to feel as we are fast to take. as eager to find freedom as we are slow to serve...
DSM
well.
since giving my life to christ, ive come to understand that there are strong differences between faith for a higher power and feelings for a higher power. its been a gradual discovery, a process of natural learning about myself, while struggling... stumbling and learning just who god is.
human emotion is a learned mechanism of surviving. call it a growth hormone... we as, as a whole body, are born into one world. and we as individuals, are born with the ability to feel. but do not be mistaken, we are born selfish creatures..
often times we as humans learn to depend on our emotions to determine our feelings, whether permanent or temporary... chemically driven, can be enhanced by substance or simply produced by the motions of daily living... they influence our relationships, our habits, our trespasses too...they influence us in ways that often times, as the rest of the world evolves around us, our train of thoughts remain stuck, on several tracks... slowly, or very quickly, pulling us in all directions, giving us reasons for which we can only divide our hearts, our minds, sometimes even our souls...
and with no direction in hand, feelings can make or break the promise of new life...
suppose that is why we are so prone to find our faith in other things besides god. we grow dependent on the feelings we find in things that the world offers. be it drugs, alcohol... money. possessions. destructive relationships. the list really do go on and on but u kno how lazy i am u get the jest of it...
fuck i dont want to talk about this. id rather listen to the doors, and let my numbness take the wheel. fuckit im already talkin.... k so
faith is not as easily defined. there is no FAITH 101... it is often mistaken for feelings. yes this i learned the hard way... more importantly tho, ive learned that since giving my life to christ, my feelings don't ever really matter against my faith. here here! have to give thanks, even for the nothings. u see even when the world has shit in my cheerios, i can only make it my first (or second or third)priority to be thankful. not to the world, but to christ. even at my worst, my faith in god is there to pull my hands back and say hey, d fucka, chill the fuck outs bitch.
yes in all my experience of living and losing, ive learned that losing is only temporary. and winning does not even exist.
after completing seminary several years ago (fuck that was a long time ago lol) i looked forward to a life of honesty and redemption. a life of giving to and for god... my years as a firefighter were behind me, or so i thought...
at that time, my feelings were telling me i needed to simply run away. but my faith was driven by the need to get the fuck out of a life where playing with fire was my thrill, and being FIRST was nothing but just another fuckin day on the job... i often had to wonder was my gift for saving lives just a learned skill or was it the bi product of a purpose i did not kno about?
i did kno one thing by then, seeing someone on the brink of death and knowing ur hands are the only hands they have for those few minutes, somehow, god makes himself known around u. u FEEL the urgency. without looking at ur watch u FEEL how many minutes u have. when the persons eyes are fixed on urs, they cannot process what u are saying no matter how loudly u speak in their direction, they are not looking at u. but they FEEL u... load em up, stabilize. give the rest to god ive said.
so yes at that time, i felt god calling me, i heard him... but my eyes could not see fully in his direction. it did not help that getting kicked out of one baptist church (and not yet thrown out of the second) sort of blew the wind out of my fuckin sails.... still, the tat i gave pastor henry's wife came from the heart, semper fi..... and the vodka i gave her was only to numb the pain.
but it was not without making me take a good hard look back and really... really think.... it made no sense. if it was god calling, why was i the way i was... was my faith in him all a dream??? and could i really really abstain from fornicating???? and no smoking??? WTF????? yea. suppose i had some answers to find, and fuck the best ones i could get my hands on, these answer had to be RIGHT. i knew that much.
i realized that it was not god calling me to become a preacher. as good as everybody said i was, that they could feel my words roll off the tip of my tongue and feel the lord coming thru them.... i realized that if anything, god was calling me to do something, but to preach, no. in fact, i realized that even tho i had a passion for the lord and bringing others by the masses to him, it could very well have been turned a weapon, having led the lost straight into the path of destruction, where i was already an expert. shhit. yeeeea. go me right.
moral of the story, i learned the hard way that faith cannot be taught. a person who has none cannot be taught where to grow faith. not any more than a preacher who is lost can be taught how to preach it.
feelings well... it is ok to have feelings. but it is even better to have faith. cuz in this world, we are only human, as primarily lost as we are naturally chosen to be born. as thirsty to conquer as we are hungry for peace. as quick to feel as we are fast to take. as eager to find freedom as we are slow to serve...
DSM
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