its only been two days that I've been back in the Helmand province. I waited to tell a lot of people I was leaving this time around, until these last few weeks. I am now finding that maybe that wasnt the best thing for me to do because it didnt give anybody a chance to say good bye. I know I hurt a lot of people and I know they wont ever understand why i did it that way, but i also know why i did it and for now thats enough to keep me from feeling too bad about it. I'm not someone who indulges in being glorified, praised or even being missed, I only want a chance to be heard. To be heard when I say, this is not goodbye. I fully intend to return to my America. To my family, to my friends.... This is my 4th tour in combat. Yes I know that the odds lessen for each soldier for every time they go back.... and maybe that is why I need to be able to FEEL like my odds are not lessened any, call me a dreamer, but my mind needs to believe in something, same way my heart does... My company is comprised of the very best, couple I even served with before so the familiarity was almost immediate. My bunk is pretty much just about papers and a small radio for right now, my pen and paper and my laptop (fuckyes gotta have my laptop)..... Called my brother this morning and he said my mother was waiting for me to call her, and so I did. I hate hearing her cry and the most I asked of her was to not seem so sad, I know its a tall order but at least she can be proud of the way she raised me and Adam and Mali... to want to protect her first.
All of my email is backed up and one person even told me that she found it selfish of me to find time to blog but not reply to her message... same old fuckin women man, they'd rather be my keeper than my friend, they'd rather take the understanding without extending any... Maybe I am selfish, I sure as aint going to argue.
As for taking every chance I have to blog I just have to take a moment and say that its no longer an interest its my lifeline... and these days its even more important that i do it. Nuff said.

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