lessons learned sometimes

sometimes whatever it is, its going to look scarier than it really was meant to be

and sometimes, ur instincts won't be able to tell

but sometimes u are going to just know better when a friend kisses u, theres no going back... even on monday, tuesday, reality... even when the best philosophies sound better. even when the church is empty yes even when the fuckin chairs are on the ceiling i say u just goin to kno better

sometimes maybe is the right answer, and remembering will have to do.

sometimes ur gun is going to jam. and u will say nothing. i'll to u now do not surrender. against all opposition, just before that clear cut ending there is still a two thousand lb bear left inside everybody...

sometimes the cost is going to go up on u, in some places where money doesnt exist.

and sometimes u goin to feel like just giving it away, until there is nothing left of it

sometimes i hate u is no different than i love u, just a different line of bullshit...

sometimes too much is what u really need

sometimes u won't really feel that bullet in the back, but then again, u knew better...

and sometimes its just ur turn, u see

sometimes its too late to apologize, even when u apologizing to me

sometimes u going to let go for good, and the reason -

why... why what. u see sometimes u not ever going to kno why.

but sometimes, torn and burned, u will ask urself out loud anyway and i will tell u all about my lessons learned

sometimes, good people just get rabies.


where does faith come from? like literally? is it the same as feelings?

meh. not an easy question wtf


since giving my life to christ, ive come to understand that there are strong differences between faith for a higher power and feelings for a higher power. its been a gradual discovery, a process of natural learning about myself, while struggling... stumbling and learning just who god is.

human emotion is a learned mechanism of surviving. call it a growth hormone... we as, as a whole body, are born into one world. and we as individuals, are born with the ability to feel. but do not be mistaken, we are born selfish creatures..

often times we as humans learn to depend on our emotions to determine our feelings, whether permanent or temporary... chemically driven, can be enhanced by substance or simply produced by the motions of daily living... they influence our relationships, our habits, our trespasses too...they influence us in ways that often times, as the rest of the world evolves around us, our train of thoughts remain stuck, on several tracks... slowly, or very quickly, pulling us in all directions, giving us reasons for which we can only divide our hearts, our minds, sometimes even our souls...
and with no direction in hand, feelings can make or break the promise of new life...
suppose that is why we are so prone to find our faith in other things besides god. we grow dependent on the feelings we find in things that the world offers. be it drugs, alcohol... money. possessions. destructive relationships. the list really do go on and on but u kno how lazy i am u get the jest of it...

fuck i dont want to talk about this. id rather listen to the doors, and let my numbness take the wheel. fuckit im already talkin.... k so

faith is not as easily defined. there is no FAITH 101... it is often mistaken for feelings. yes this i learned the hard way... more importantly tho, ive learned that since giving my life to christ, my feelings don't ever really matter against my faith. here here! have to give thanks, even for the nothings. u see even when the world has shit in my cheerios, i can only make it my first (or second or third)priority to be thankful. not to the world, but to christ. even at my worst, my faith in god is there to pull my hands back and say hey, d fucka, chill the fuck outs bitch.

yes in all my experience of living and losing, ive learned that losing is only temporary. and winning does not even exist.

after completing seminary several years ago (fuck that was a long time ago lol) i looked forward to a life of honesty and redemption. a life of giving to and for god... my years as a firefighter were behind me, or so i thought...

at that time, my feelings were telling me i needed to simply run away. but my faith was driven by the need to get the fuck out of a life where playing with fire was my thrill, and being FIRST was nothing but just another fuckin day on the job... i often had to wonder was my gift for saving lives just a learned skill or was it the bi product of a purpose i did not kno about?
i did kno one thing by then, seeing someone on the brink of death and knowing ur hands are the only hands they have for those few minutes, somehow, god makes himself known around u. u FEEL the urgency. without looking at ur watch u FEEL how many minutes u have. when the persons eyes are fixed on urs, they cannot process what u are saying no matter how loudly u speak in their direction, they are not looking at u. but they FEEL u... load em up, stabilize. give the rest to god ive said.

so yes at that time, i felt god calling me, i heard him... but my eyes could not see fully in his direction. it did not help that getting kicked out of one baptist church (and not yet thrown out of the second) sort of blew the wind out of my fuckin sails.... still, the tat i gave pastor henry's wife came from the heart, semper fi..... and the vodka i gave her was only to numb the pain.

but it was not without making me take a good hard look back and really... really think.... it made no sense. if it was god calling, why was i the way i was... was my faith in him all a dream??? and could i really really abstain from fornicating???? and no smoking??? WTF????? yea. suppose i had some answers to find, and fuck the best ones i could get my hands on, these answer had to be RIGHT. i knew that much.

i realized that it was not god calling me to become a preacher. as good as everybody said i was, that they could feel my words roll off the tip of my tongue and feel the lord coming thru them.... i realized that if anything, god was calling me to do something, but to preach, no. in fact, i realized that even tho i had a passion for the lord and bringing others by the masses to him, it could very well have been turned a weapon, having led the lost straight into the path of destruction, where i was already an expert. shhit. yeeeea. go me right.

moral of the story, i learned the hard way that faith cannot be taught. a person who has none cannot be taught where to grow faith. not any more than a preacher who is lost can be taught how to preach it.

feelings well... it is ok to have feelings. but it is even better to have faith. cuz in this world, we are only human, as primarily lost as we are naturally chosen to be born. as thirsty to conquer as we are hungry for peace. as quick to feel as we are fast to take. as eager to find freedom as we are slow to serve...


damien do you believe in angels?

angels... of all things i can assume, believe... suppose my answer is yes, firmly. of course i believe in angels.
and when u call me an angel of course i do not believe u.

there are light angels and dark angels.. fuckers here have to believe there are angels.... better the devil u kno in helmand than in ur heart - DSM

'i should be crying but i just cant let that show'

light angels, there are many... got the most commonly known; gardianship, mercy, sacrament... then u got others, thousands of others.... with gifts, functions that serve god's purpose and his alone, not man's. they guide (gen 24:7-40) they protect (psalm 34:7). and they comfort (acts 27:24)
got ur cherubim, seriphim, and yes, then u got ur archangels... another time kid.

'i should be here but i just can't let me show'

dark angels, also known as fallen angels (jude 6)... there is no 'half truth' to their name... these angels were created once in heaven, rebelled against god, and cast down from heaven... they also known as demons. they serve only the works of the devil, who was once lucifer, and became called satan, 'the prince' of fallen angels (ezekiel 28: 12-15).

angels can take the form of humans (hebrews 13:2). although they are not human. they are immortal (luke 20:36), they are innumerable (hebrew 12:24), and their basic characteristics are not what the world has altered in perception and passed down throughout the generations, is not what u see on christmas cards once a year, posses no arrows intended for the unsuspecting heart in cold februaries. is not what society knows as... angels...

'i should be giving but i just cant let me go'

they are divinely created,formed with wings, yes, but uniquely constructed according to their ministry, their purpose in which they carry out god's primary instructions...
not here to be found nor glorified, misconceived. but here to find u, and give u a msg....

of course i do not believe u i said.. im only a man.

'i should be falling but i just can't fall no more'



theres a fool i know he walks with a stride that carries a message. that she will never hear.. confused in all his steps, unbalanced but carefully he still walks between those invisible lines....
guess in detail, she hid no weapons that he didn't already see... that weary discourse, governed by her broken heart.. and then sentenced by it... nobody to blame tho, he took his own chances.
but still... patterned forever beneath the fool, and against the impression of every print left behind him, un-moved is the un-broken truth of this pen, and unheard is the veiled name of these words...

the message undelivered is all yours to come for.

hey fool! the world speaks of holes in the heart, filled with darkness and judged heavily by sharp tongues. and shadows casted yes, but he asks the world without the darkness where would the light go? yes, a fool.... whos hands are not without blood but by god's grace are weightless as she feels the cold inside them holding tight for the moment, her own fallacies.

hey fool! for all the tears u breathe there is not one that breathes back for u. but my friend.... i do know this, at one time for one man, a woman can be both a breath and a vision, a sound and a feeling.... the bold question on the surface of his face, and an equal answer to observe. and he can look back suddenly and see clearly,
that holding her brought all the darkness in the world, and shine all the light in its wake....
u obviously did not know him...
but she knew who he was...

and fool, he walks amongst his reasons. but to bare her sadness, he'd have to walk with all her seconds lost and a thousand more lives to divide and so why disorganize all the jumble? its made the neon-lit walk so much more about learning and less about gaining.... suppose that is his light... and... the message carried beneath his feet is NOTHING CUZ U LIED. but still it is drawn from the same eery entrapment by which is she crawls and feeds. for all that is unseen, and unspoken in words.... of a message she will never hear.
i don't want to be angry no more.


Van Morrison - Into The Mystic (Original Version)

we were born before the wind

...smell the sea and feel the sky

i will be comin home..

REM - Everybody hurts (with lyrics)

:P yea everybody hurts...
suppose everybody feels like letting go sometimes
just a thought

How can somebody you loved and said they loved you be so fuckin full of hate...fuck is it possible to love and hate someone?

good question. tho not one with any yes or no answer.

the stone cold truth of a person's heart is never fully revealed no matter how honest one claims to be. and i am learning quickly that both love and hate are seperately, more than a feeling. and each carries more than a complicated definition. yet each is no more than a decision one chooses to make. more power than the world can handle, let alone one person, with one heart.
i believe there is love. that there is hate. and somewhere in all her justification to love me, and to hate me... there are lies.


what is the holy bible

this answer is over a year late. better late than... im sorry its late

first, a little about me. i prefer to call it the scriptures.

simply put, the holy bible is a compilation of instruction and guidance written by the hand of men, specifically chosen and divinely inspired by God himself, and given to the world.
the holy bible is god's revelation of himself to man, and the passages inscribed, are authored by god himself, and they reveal the principles by which god judges us, reveals the way and truth to eternal salvation of the human soul and without any mixture of error, extends his command for all human conduct, creeds and is the testimony of his attitude toward all men.


should be noted that all scripture is documented in the name of Christ, who is Himself the focus of divine revelation.

i am too lazy to cite my sources, all of which consist of various passages of the bible. take it or leave it i dont care anymore

darkness i heard u

walk with me... some people are so fucked up.
i have nothing but the broken path i lead. but even that in which i lead your feet pay no price so, just come with me. i got pieces of a heart that rarely bleeds your color of red, but u have seen how they manage, and find no reason to fight the demons in my way. and my heart, though undivided, is only willing to fuck, and fight, and fuck some more, for what is rightfully not mine..... cuz unlike u, she breathes for me.

man of a complicated life, maybe many. but more willing to risk it all on a dime, and for what u might ask. figure nothing, forget it all u see, ur understanding is not mine to gain but i will raise ur cheap assumptions, drink to the bottom of your judgment and still bet the fuckin house u have only a heart made of stone to bargain with, not flesh. so keep ur give a damn i got mine.

and in all that we stand for i paid for ur freedom and fear not the thrill of free-falling. for all ur hate in me alone, will craft the cage that breaks ur fall (here we go) and accordingly where u seek clarity in others u will think of me.
where ur granted forgiveness.
and especially where u are not.
u will think of me.
when those who give.
suddenly take away.
u will think of me.
and when u dream.
dream impossible.
impossible things and yes.
there i'll be....

now come sit with me.
pay no attention to the things i kno now. the dust will break, and settle in broken time and... i take back no prayer, i knelt for u. but for one infinite moment let us find ourselves at the beginning. where u told me that a true man was all i had to be. i let u close enough, to ask of invisible scars and hear pain that i speak in languages my tongue cannot interpret, and u still sang to me... i got close enough, to see u love others and i asked u, why me. and the tears u shed, though not from ur eyes they fell from the sky... cuz i failed. and i trusted u. i guess just to be good to me... and now let me ask, afterall u had spoken, which one of your faces was talking to me.

a man with no fault, no. in fact, when i said broken, u should have listened to me. but i took my punches and i'm no stranger to the mountains of lies that can fester in between. but u, beyond the blame that i've inherited of those who crossed u before me, there is the absense of ur loyalty... u also took the pieces i did not have. and like a self-inflicted gunshot to my own heart in place of yours i laid in their bed for u, and cry their tears for u, and i paid their price for u... and without one thought for recourse i let you fall back into my hands where i forgave u anyway. and by no human devices of my own i have lived and i have learned and i will not go down with you i would rather walk and simply claim this loss. but u can't ever say i let u down.
and may god help u as i walk on without u and u give ur thoughts away. u will never again underestimate the power