Thankfully i got people in my life who love me for me... im not everything u made me out to be, what u claim to know and what u claim to see....

i refuse to live beneath the surface of ur eyes, where u hold no reasons to love and forgive beyond urself... ur words ur actions, turned the corners of this careless mind, i see that i am everything u ever wanted and nothing u could accept... that i am nothing u ever wanted and still couldn't let go of.... todays a good day to repaint the walls of my memory in black, hang my pride in the same place u tried hangin my balls.... lay this room in the ground of my soul and pray that in u, a rose emerges where all the black consumes u now..........

Should have known

That eventually

I'd be standing alone

Wondering, asking

Where the helld u go...

Even long before now

I began searching for u

Same person I once knew

I waited... hoped, got used to

Ur cold shoulders, thinkin this aint love

but i loved, i tried.... I fought fuckin fears for u...

Only to discover I wasn't enough

And as my vision clears I'm seein that

Maybe I was nothing at all....

Not going to cry, even here

I have my pride, I got myself...

Life doesn't say much about

Losing hands although... funny how u left me holding

This empty nothing.... broken promises aint nothing new

Just remember i loved... tried.... broke my fucking heart for u

have a great life and i wish u nothing but the best. get right.


my reply...

I don't understand why some Christians feel entitled to judge others who are not devoted to Christ. I've asked myself the same question and too often I've found that there are many, many people who 'say' they are saved, but that does not clearly define who is the Christian and who is not....

Christians have a right to be proud of loving Christ, and they got an obligation to serve Him where ever his will calls upon them to do so, regardless of what non-believers say or object to. They have a right to freely believe and demonstrate that faith, and they also remain warned that they will be persecuted for doing so.... I cannot judge anyone who believes or claims not to believe. i can only examine myself. Am I judged as a Christian?? Yes all the time, by both believers and non-believers. ima tell u this fucka, between u me and this fence-post, reformed smokers and reborn christians.... fuckin best at that shit.

As a Christian i believe in god with all my heart. why, u ask, and i say this because the world is the world and i have learned that there is no other way to salvation. That's not to say at my darkest times I will not doubt myself (NOT MY FAITH... but MYSELF). yea go figure ha, but the bible does not state that faith comes with its self-serve mechanisms as a Christians we are to feed our faith with the word of Christ, nurture the love that grows for Christ, and to simplify it for u, live to give what all u got, for the love of Christ.

u asked me why the bible speaks in parables, and u say u believe that if God was real that he would find no reason to hide himself from those who do not believe........
i say this to u and listen with not your eyes but listen to me with more of u, listen to me with that force that u use to cloud my own judgment...
the word of God is not for everyone; hearts of the rebellious cannot see or listen with their hearts, for god's word and all the truth is hidden in the parables and is sacred to those who give of themselves first and seek to know the truth of god. who seek Him.

u asked me who made god and the answer is simple, god is infinite. the bible states clearly he is the first, he is the last... beginning and the end... the Alpha, the Omega.

u say to me, that if God were real, there would be proof of this, tangible proof for people to see, feel, smell, hear..... i say this to u, god is not an instant gratification god, even tho we live in an instant gratification society... God's existance is proven by the air u breathe and the sky which reaches no limit. his son jesus christ was his next form of proof. and to this day there is more proof that a man named jesus christ was born to a virgin and walked the earth. carrying out every prophesy foretold, dating back to thousands of years before his birth, and that specific, scientific, and tangible proof does exist, that no man on earth could have possibly done the things jesus did in 33 years of life, down to the very last words in which he spoke to his father, and said ' father, unto your hands i commit my spirit'...

hangon i lost my train of thought.....

as for u thinking i am trying to 'save' u... no need for sarcastic remarks, i understand asshole just fine.... it is not my job to save u that is god's job, its my obligation to share the word of christ with u and in no way am i asking u to rely on me, seek all reference in the bible....

yes.... u almost let me forget, christians are not perfect, and if u were judged poorly by many before stumbling upon ma sorry azz than i say u attracted some bad apples who might not even have a relationship with christ, and it might make u happy to know that God will judge the Christian First.



u might think.... im just taking once again, my hand to the pen.... yea kind of, i write for me, that is what i was meant to do... war is not all blood and gore sometimes u got an infinite moment to cradle the weight on ur shoulders round here...... wonder where the fuck u been, where the fuck u goin... why it all started, how the fuck its all goin to end.... yes with one pen, one heart and one mind that is all im here to do..... To find you, trust you... speak to you.

(u can call me pup)

im taking these walls down if only for a minute u can conquer the pain.... ur life is busy ur life is full and sometimes im sure u feel sorry for me but make no mistake about the watch i keep, my pain is only ur pain, reflected by the two-way mirror u brought with u...... u see i walk beside the lonely roads, not on em.... i fight for more than u i'm fighting for me too, fighting for more than ur life im fighting for mine too (hmm) wherever it went...... yea i know, here let me turn u right side up before u choke on that and yes those are dog tags in front of me......... they here with me, reminding me of the stories ima tell someday..... but for now they just doin their job day by day, hour by hour..... finalizing pieces of me as i do what i do..... calling you, doubting you.... missing you.

i walked alone earlier and gave way to my rambling head... i let myself feel things i normally wouldn't and why u might ask.... cuz im human just like u. and u and u..... yes i do have a heart now look away while i hide my eyes they say too much... in all dimentions ur like the same addictions that swallow me whole.. get ur kicks as i tell the truth again i am the way i am today because that is how love has treated me.... being here shuffling my feet and reloading its not hard to let her fade from the back of my mind... turning at the faint cries of a blind man begging me to kill him, inching away as he follows my footsteps because he cannot see.. reminds me of the day i cried tears in open land i can only hope she got the peace i found for her ... then as i noticed the sun rising i distinctly recalled my purpose here.... to forget you, to remember you... to confuse you.

(note to self: pay ur billz on time fucka)

brace urself im about to get reckless and tell u something about what u been wonderin.....

i was never meant to mean anything to u, like the way im letting these sheets of paper go, ur used to meaning nothing to some people u probably see every day, just bein honest don't let my words give u away...... i tend to wanna take care of everyone too, just the pops in me...... trying to do for me what i was meant to do...... so sit there and swallow as these words ive penned fight their way into ur blood until u can feel the numbness.... impairing you. comforting you.... maybe even angering you.

indeed, there are times when im able to smile... shit-faced grin i like keepin around for the good times, and if ur like me then u know what its like to smile anyway.and don't ever feel like u can't disagree with me, i defend that right and i gave my life to god not to u, just, u foot the bill if god decides to take my sorry azz is all......... and to the next who inherits that sacrifice may he give all the glory to the lord for what he brings home to his country.....

now picture me, standing behind u, my hands inside ur hands... feeling everything u feeling but wondering where the rest of me went... are u even following me? yes im sayin i still heart america Here here! now let the house come tumbling down..... to consume you, to un-do you... to believe in you.

(stolen thought # 5656 steal a pen and throw the cap in front of the next guy)

then there goes my mind... and somewhere she is wandering here.... name un-spoken, for there is no forgiving a careless tongue... shhhh she can hear me..... she wears my burden around her neck and walks with me backwards as we go back in our own time, she plays like she betting a full house on a dime, yes u guessed it, she wanders breathless, in stealth, partner in crime.... u see u mustve missed it the first time.... watch me take this broken heart and ima show u broken man... but hear me bet its beating parts and ur seeing the gambler... taking ur two and making a four, yes betting against those odds and more... just calling on the same cards in life i've always played with.... now close ur eyes and think of a price....... cuz in each our lives there is a price that comes for where we stand, but im takin it im betting on it

sayin fuck you

i love you

bleeding freedom in colors for this no man's land!!!

and im doing it all with a pen in my hand...


Long Lost In Between

listen to somewhere breathing in me, the in between of all that is, and all that isn't.

help me stand still, just need a moment to take myself, away. As ashes fall to the ground, down to my last hit, im feeling my soul, its got a beat... somewhere there is a song my life holds very near... America is but a dream, but a dream my life can hear.

like portraits painted my thoughts can bear to stand alone, within my head i keep hung... say no words to describe the world i'm in, out loud i work, up close i smile, i wait for the sun, look away from the moon... a madness in the dark i found, a song inside my hands i fear... America is but a dream, but a dream my life can hear.

someone take me for a minute, away from here, just long enough to see ur world from my world, all the nothings in between, all un-found and all unseen. blow ur secrets in my way, give me a mad thought to unravel for the ol times sake... maybe just maybe, might even spin u around a few times, make u see things my way..... yes put my name on a prayer and send it away and i'll catch it with my heart and make a touchdown America.... u see my scars? they look for ways to find u here, in a place where a song plays in my ear.... America is but a dream, but a dream my life can hear.

think about the people who worry for me and i say never worry for me, fuck there goes my cigarette... raise my bet, im coming home, beneath the skies this broken man, fights inside a broken war, betting against all odds and more, but my broken will belongs to God. Therefore I repeat, home is but a frame of mind..... but to u i listen, and in u i see, a song that is playin for someone like me, in one eye u closing, in the other a tear.... Yes, America is but a dream, but a dream my life can hear.

Take ur chances, im a broken fall.... trapped inside an invisible wall. running for life, running for death, picture all the in-betweens in one long winded breath..... there is no transition, only survival.... a lonely thought in a crowded head, stepping carefully, very carefully in this world.... and i think about her, thinking about me.... i say if u gonna make mistakes just make em with me... and u will self-destruct in five, four, three, two... and in my heart, somewhere... yea somewhere in this wild heart, im hearing a song, a song that plays and its message is clear....... America is but a dream, but a dream my life can hear.


King's Ballad

She called out with her careless tongue, threw her hands above her jaded eyes as her broken smile fell beneath her and she cried for a ten.... in the kiss drawn from her naked lips, laid his burden, un-placed carefully upon her ring.... touched by her skin, and disguised as a King....

constellations reflecting, she placed her breath above the house.... mad stars flew over his head, he waited for a two, but got nothing instead.... where angels wait for the world to see, he bet all that he had and gave up his three......................

feel free to take what u think i have left.... instincts, blood, little bit of me goes a long way.... and a thousand more lives im gonna live by the end of this sentence.... just a man with a deck cards, i can outdraw ur aces in captivity... but meet me where the color accents of ur soul bleed into the black and white canvas of my mine and i'll show u how a beggar outlives his King... i've got no regrets, what ive lost, what ive gained is all and nothing strewn across the table of the frontline of my life, where my battles are no more won than they are lost, no more about the prize it is about the cost.... Here Here! i command u to forgive me *skip* ......... no, maybe i beg u

Paste ur hand-printed definitions on my wall as i fold my cards in front of u... im all about everything, all about nothing, truest ways of a broken kind im running... letting footprints on the ground lead as i move u frontwards, backwards, can u feel me from behind? yes im coming Queen of hearts, im coming, keep going..... fuck u blowin my mind.

Take somewhere beyond me, listen to the visions of a river gone un-dry.... behind that door u standing against, im all but fading, all but letting this crazy sand take me into the forever of a war gone lost.... hallways and cellars, windows without blinds... ive checked on all clocks, and i've un-set the times.... lookin for the man i used to be, but tryin to find the man i want to become... in this full house i wander infinite ranges of a life long gone, a life un-lived and a life on trade, but i'd risk it all with two twos if ive already paid

check u out, almost convinced me to play loose..... swinging atop this ball, above me im feeling an angel un-there... un-where? everywhere. dancing away from the song with no words, taking my thoughts and leaving the door open..... sometimes my blood runs cold and im left standing with no will to apologize, but the tears she paints and the smile she deconstructs has im sorry written all over my face..... and i am back where i started, at her feet.... my burden, un-placed carefully upon her ring... touched by her skin, and disguised as a King.


Broken Man

Wisdom is taken, but more often forsaken....

Tell me where those tears come from, ur pleasure or pain? No doubt im the sour fukin latte in ur mouth but dammit if i dont taste good goin down. Truth, maybe a few stones... but truth nonetheless, I walk ur tightrope and no doubt the freedom it buys u is no less my prison but fuck me if I dont love u for it...
I got ur number, know ur face I have my aces and wildcards in their place. Dont underestimate a man who can love who can hate and who surely can disassemble you. i mean, make u lose ur way.

Give me a chance to come back down to Earth for a minute......

do you suppose that a broken heart is only a frame of mind? I think its got its possibilities... hang me for a while, see if i dont blend in with the scope of ur lovely vision just dont put me on that fuckin shelf k? God knows I don't sit well for too long dwelling on the past, even tho the past has a pain and morbid silence that loves to hate me..... Take counsel of your flight, not of your love

I walk knowing my days are different, and maybe for a minute, in this driven snow I can feel the cold, I can feel the burn...... Heaven gates... hells flames.... not sure if I'm standing behind or beyond... what i do know is that sure, I miss the man I used to be, he trusted people, he trusted her... it had its benefits for survival at one time before it eventually blew up in my fuckin chest...
but no doubt I wouldn't trade the fucker i am now, and neither would you..... To know me you must close one eye, to love me you must close both

I don't mind going from my soul to my heart to my carnal afflictions to reveal a little at a time... but trust me, your job is not to change me. Your job is to know I have room to grow. Of course, I am a reasonable man and nothing I do doesn't come without timing... timing turns me on fuckyes it doo.... But make no mistake about my oddity to observe more than you do, for this is my watch, friend... and when i make my move, I make my move as if God was going to show up, and gamble everything away, as if he never did, u see......... Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life

I will always be a marine. I will die my last death a marine, here or there... for there's just no other wayu see.... my knowledge has made my living and my wisdom has shown me my life, my last death.... And I know that is probably against what some believe to be the good shit.. But again.. I remind you, the Earth you've lived and laughed on, is my Earth too....of course that felt good darlin


No Beginning No End

Once upon a time in the land of the lost fuckers.....there lived a King that didn't deserve to be ..... he knew not where he came from (and no this couldnt be me)....the King was looking for a ladder.... he needed to make a climb, a climb that would take his wasted ways, and make something out of wasted days......

this king had a subject, of whom he'd make climb first, the subject said 'but master, it is not my ladder to climb.. u see i am only worth a nickle,and u are worth a dime'.... so the king took off his shoes, and said if i am not back down in 7 days, presume me dead... make no mention of this ladder, or my failure in whats ahead..... so he climbed, climbed... saw heaven... looked down and said.... 'take my riches, take my life, stand in my shoes and take care of my wife...... for i have climbed this high without my crown, and there's no greater failure than going back down'......

the subject said 'wait, im coming with u, i want to see what u see, there's nothing here where im blinded, here i'm only me'......

the king said, 'no.. go find ur own ladder, go find ur own heaven... for no ladder belongs to two men, no heaven is the same, no reward is kept... only the failure, the fall.. only the ground belongs to everybody'...........

life is like a ladder, no different in the risks u take with each step... as u assume to take life in ur hands, the steps u take will govern the risks u take along with em... as u climb, the ground will lay further away from your feet, the gravity on your shoulders will get heavier, until suddenly you realize than you are somewhere in between Heaven, Earth.... Cause, Effect.... Your past will remain at the bottom always... careful, don't look down or u will want to go back, and retrieve every moment that ever hit u when it was too late.....

Life is like a ladder.... in every way, you look around, there's many ways to make it to the top... but only one life to get u there... one mind, set it free, let it go ahead of u.... ur future will not be anywhere, u will only depend on the steps in front of u, to take somewhere u can call ur future... as u continue to climb, the ladder will sway, the air will swallow u instead, u will see the top..... baby steps...

Everybody's looking for the ladder....... everybody wants salvation of the soul, but nobody is willing to give it away... everyone wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die..... The steps you take are no easy task, the further from the ground u get, the greater the risk of falling, so never take for granted the power of the humility.The reward is great for those who want to go, but the reward is only the reward, its the person who u become that will determine if the climb was worth it, and ur subjects will know....

The size of the whole wide fuckin world will decrease.... the hunger to see what's at the top will consume you half-way up.....and ur time spent alone my friend, will cease....... for everybody's looking for the the story started and how it will end......

rest easy, i have no answers on me, no beginning, no end.... instead i ask u.... what's the use of half a story, half of a dream.You have to climb all the steps in between.....


Queen of Hearts

Queen of Hearts I raise your bet. I have nothing left to gamble, only my humanity as you can see. Give me some time to stare up my ceiling as my thoughts lost in your translation force this cigarette to burn alone.. slowly and without a breath only the sound of the background music in my soul.......

Sure I'll unlace that for you... don't mind my hunger just keep your cards where I can see em. I am only a man, a horrible pretender, but will no doubt keep my poker face as you shred me and canvas everything that makes me, well, me... and explore the man I used to be.
Say nothing of the man I should become as I am still lost in this moment.

Once a number, now a face... I ask you whos mask are you looking to unveil at this table in life, mine or yours...... Regret not my straight-forwardness as I have done more changing in my quest for finding myself as I have in ever refusing to see myself for what I really am. Goes to show that the House holds more to win than what you are willing to bet in your hand sometimes.

I'm freeing myself for you to see... the imperfection, the details.. the fine print one letter at a time.. may your heart never grow fond of me, as I am a man willing to bet only for what he is willing to lose. I've seen his blood shed another's blood. I've witnessed his insincts remain silent in the corners of the ultimate entrapment of lost war, lost love and lost discipline... I proclaim, not all of my lessons have been lost in the deck,Queen of Hearts. Anymore I only strive to recognize the beauty of my wild cards.

I have killed and have been killed a thousand times, only to find one more Ace up my sleeve... as I was praying only for my loss to go fast as fast I can run in one mile I prayed... these have been my blessings, one hand at a time... and only one time every time so I go not from my convictions mad these days...

Here I stare up at the ceiling in the moment of you. In the moment of gamble as I take you there with me .... faces of strangers in a familiar place I emplore you to have a seat and straddle as slowly as your love can bear to stand it. For I am only a man and don't mind having my cake.. having my death...... having your hand and having all to take with me as I give you all I have. See my humanity and see I am not only your soldier, I am your gambler.



Come on in, welcome to my heart.... you've been here before aint u? yea u look kinda familiar, I think I once sailed into ur sea by accident..... I took ur hand even though it wasn't mine...Greedy mutha aint i...

By all means, spill out of yourself, no cameras here... want me to replay ur sins? k, maybe later... I got mine, im pouring ur glass as you speak, i mean - as i listen.......

Marlie?? .................................. there we go inhale. fuckyes i like how u do that thang

Make ur mark, forget my path, im following you remember?

This? thats my Pride darlin... nah dont touch, its old... but not by accident that it leads my procession these days.. so ... umm... here's ur glass u like double-double? Addiction is my middle name I MEAN SAMUEL...............................................................................
of course i love you thats why ur sittin here, drink up, swallow fast. Go ahead stare into my eyes, i got my hand against ur hand show me sumfin show me a spade... you hear how the music drowns the echo in ur head?

That... that there is my Lust... the hotel bar of my crouded ways darlin... dont go in there just a bunch of smoke and mirrors y' know??

*hits_cig*............................ I see u found my Anger
Sorry, didnt mean to startle u... Yea it does look kinda like urs don't it? Here stand outside this wall, can you hear me in there? Some nights are better than others, yes... but i guess you already know that.ay dont step inside..... k well there u go...
Watch ur head there's demons above you, they don't welcome rays of hope, ' know? How's that goin down.... c'mon lets get out of here

Fuckyes lets have another, take a seat - now where u going???

Gluttony.................................. thats what that is, you know how i always tell u i chew up what i want in life and spit out the rest darlin.. Yes, im holding ur heart and yes, thats a bit more than one fuckin man can handle at times, let alone swallow whole so..... watch that broken glass inside ur eyes ur seeing things got it??? ok well... maybe I do love it, a little too much..... gimme more

Walk passed that door thats where i keep my jealous ways.. dont ever open it if ur here alone it tends to say a lot about this fucker when my back is turned; Heartfelt Envy, "Self-justification"... yes, did i just tell you that?? dammit shut that fuckin door and here's another glass drink up before ur symphony stops playin... come this way

Lets cut a corner here... u afraid of heights? I gotta a bridge u can cross but.. u gotta jump first darlin... jump for me..... nevermind

Ay u just lost ur fukin clothes was it meant to turn this way or did u just push the red button on ur wall.... fuckit take mine too it is hot in these narrow walls aint it.................................................

ur right its the cocktail.................. yes im here, have another truth for keeps, slip it under yer tongue **fuckyes**

So'umm.... yea thats a scar. yes that is too; well dont stare but yea i guess Sloth has its way of wearing me at all times darlin.... these dog tags do more than just jingle, they contain my un-principled ambitions/ withold my reasons and give way for your freedom, whatever freedom feels like under ur feet baby... and with it the dominating power to be just as reckless with me, ur high, ur hangover, double-cross me.... damn ur purty when ur thinking...

For tonight just ignore this one, my kills are calculated and besides I only wish to bring u peace, lover.... its the beast who took it from you that i wish to kill under my watch. Yea, them.

So ur starting to feel it aintchu? Hurry go hide, I'll find u im sure, i always do.. stepping on my glass, waving passed my moral inventory, making it easy on me to make it easy on u **cut**

Make ur noise have my seat, stay on my eyes and grab that sheet.... take me down -no take me up, then u can drown

Im not a poison, just controlled.... and my substance is everything familiar to ur own.. im just not a graceful creature like u are... in fact, im justa fuckin man, fuckeable but equally as forgiving, my everything... my nothing. So forgive me for not ever admitting I'm in love, but in front of you I have the seven deadly sins that convince my mind that i am not, no no... dont ask my heart it has no place in this bet, for it loses everytime in telling the truth...

*hits_cig*...............como m' duelen que no?

**hits_again**............. how it hurts dont it?

Nah don't turn away, ur wearing ur crown,yea might as well stick around.........................well i dunno, where'd u place ur bet? I'm sure thats where you'll find ur soul; tattered maybe, crying maybe, shattered no, but swallow baby... all in good time each one of us discovers it was stuck in ur throatthe whole fuckin time and fuck if it dont feelgood going down hahaaaa......

making you stir inside an empty glass... yes i said empty... but no less a part of me, a part of you, divided equally amongst our seven deadly sins, retaining my signs, throwing ur clues... leaving marks on my skin...pale tones beneath my blues

so u gettin sleepy and... hopefully u wont remember this trip u took... manage ur way out when u wake up, for now let the truth gravitate.....beneath ur skin, beyond my head... in ur blood...... again feel... feel where..........

feel where I should be dead.


Wild Blood

Hear this wild blood
Boiling beneath the skies of this crazy world
Flowing in rhythm within these veins in a wild hunger
Running mindlessly in search of her wild love............ Reason

See this wild blood
Washing against the current of a distant memory
Bleeding out the names and faces of all others before, all others ahead
Masking this wild heart in search of her wild love......... Perception

Feel this wild blood
Drowning the chambers of my heart, shooting up in all, the lyrics of my life
Taking what isnt mine and leaving the un-wild to go on without me
Making me cry out in search of her wild love............. Failure

Smell this wild blood
Its odorless crave for the judgment call; nothing that i want, yet everything i give, take, leave, Break.... great expectations...
Crazy hopes breathing a life in search of her wild love.......... Hope

Taste this wild blood
The opium of my soul, the poppy field of this broken man
Settling amongst the un-spoken words of ur tongue, in the flavor of the devil's dance
Going down these days in the name of her wild love........... Meaning

Balance this wild blood
In the palms of ur hands, while i go overboard, ur going with me shhh...
Power, apprehension... truth, deduction.. cage this fucker if u dare to try
For in all this blood there's really nothing without her wild love.................... Freedom

Find this wild blood
Somewhere between ur perfect life, and the world i fight for u to keep living perfectly
Revealing itself one letter at a time, hiding its reasons behind yours
Wherever it is, somewhere you'll know... when i catch her wild love......... Home

Syncopation - (s ng k -p sh n) n. 1:.. Accent on an unexpected beat.

... that occurs when a normally weak beat is stressed, kinda like sugar in my blood

.................................... downbeat

Take me blood sugar.... Drop it.... blood sugar
quiet me and spin it the way u got me change the beat, change the course i dare u woman Take me there.... No reason necessary only the will, hold it against me... make it *cut* thats ur signature

You stole my blade, I stood aside and heard your
Blood scream as it died...... a thousand times like me, i see
Round 'n round n' round u go, crash and burn blood sugar its always like new life u see It only reflects what we all fear is all...

can we get an injection over here...................

Cream or sugar, ur masta plan is all the same inside this place u found me
Your gorgeous dolce, soundboard I take ur down beat on the easy, as this fucker listens with your eyes... dynamics, tragedies, theory, serenity..... *the Fine*

Keep it quiet on the Left we rise once again play it; humanity, instincts, warfare
((((rattle the fuckin cage)))) watch this - watch the way she does it, play life softly don't be in a damn hurry to bang ur symbol; QUIETly I SAID.... drown out, blood sugar i'm listening

Broken Glass u lay beneath and glisten above this heavy dry melody, a man with something - expose my counterfeit check my pulse....
Spin me to ur turn, within ur pen im fuckin bleeding over here........... *cutcutcut*

C'mon mizDj mix my dose make ur rise take ur fall above my flames in Monster's Ball im ur devil im ur soldier im ur angel yes ur lover.... pick a sound any sound
Major my undertones.... flatline these edges in ur spotlight,
watch my heart watch my blood its all I have, sugar

fret those strings i got hidden somewhere between *skip*... somewhere between **skip**.... somewhere **skip** .. .. .. .. that my heart beating ?? ??

Rhythm in the shadows, flow in the wild of my blood, sugar... spin it, dice it slander it make me run it keeps this heart strong; playback... my sountrack... hear my nothing, burn it into u deep anyway..cuz it holds everything.........Harmonize....comatize.... my blood sugar.... Serenade your silence and I will orchestrate its uprise no matter the weather inside ur shades of chaos................. Blood sugar

Quick Its Sand

Queen of Hearts.... this gambler got an ace to give to u. C'mon lets go to town... close both ur eyes I got an empire built for you, a place you helped me build on top of the world u see... na wouldn't say it was hard, just enough stairs to keep u busy, enough doors for you to lock on me, and plenty of lost expression to keep ur heart beatin like its time to run...Scattered is no word for the wise, but rather... the self-controlled. Your sand was just too hard to pass thru, u see... so I thought of a place, a place like me.... Your shimmery grains at the edge of my hand, waiting for no more than a surface... absolution with no fuckin care in the world... good god why me.....ya lover i hear you... why NOT me.

Make ANY mention of the lovely cost u require and I announce a thief, a lovely thief i say... For my reckless aces- a plenty, but this draw isn't cheap u see? I got only one Queen of Hearts, my Queen and a three....

Should I have never caught you against my door? Waiting to hear the words,'hey, understand'... you made one drop in this bucket know that shouldering mistakes is more often a self-inflicted habit, triggered to the head.... you filled the hole in my hand, i broke ur fall in a moment, for a moment in sand... Let the sun shine down, let the time unchain... blowin secrets in my mouth, waving smiles in this face... here the emporer has no name... only his addiction, down Farfella's Lane.

Nostalgia in the Strings... I can steal u a song, and I can make u ramble on... But I'd rather build on for u...with the sharp pieces.... of a broken man... feel my beat? its moving in that direction, beneath ur tide, im moving my feet.. moving my feet...not too close - don't get too close, I pray.... walk away from one memory... 'fore u walk this way........ listen to my levy break listen to my words i said... im running im running... Here, have my last breath
Long lived my Cards, my cards of Death

You love the sounds of the night, you break glass from above but hang stars underneath....Yes all in all,I wrote on ur wall and my waters rised for Monster's Ball.... Forgive the simplicity, no Queen of Diamonds would understand, this empire i build you Queen of Hearts.. dealt by one man... and made with ur sand........ **skip**

ONE...... the permanent heart on this scar doesn't require a casual greeting, just know ur love all interrupted is all that makes it bleed out one more time, everytime...this empire of your sand and my water,my blood and ur it is that the strings to your pain and the cards of my shame make all dead dreams come alive, I will never know,lover...Or how the shades of your chaos and the soundtrack to my escape force hallways to disappear and burning doors to open here... I will... never know. ... yea plenty of wrong questions i slam down every day... but only one wrong answer makes the grade in this up-side inside-out downazzz kingdom in ur sky. With One Legend. One Line. One Man. One Time.

NATION.... As you know I've gambled all but seven sins life, in my deck of un-principled ambitions I have only my humanity, and your wings in my pocket. Even the shirt on my back belongs to you, my America. But in this place I built for you, you can trace as many hearts on my hand as you want,draw your lines and watch my water from beneath the waves I cause... the sun in ur night all the winter in your fall this soldier knows, he knows when u call.......

UNDER....let me show u to ur silence for a minute.... there's no sweeter place in this empire i hear these days than that of your secret Fault, where i kissed you for the very first time, knowing i couldn't keep u, but i kept u...commanding the undertone of your clarity,stamping the scarlet letter about one man upon the back of your neck...rewinding all that this future, and replaying all that is past. Queen of Hearts here's ur shotgun blast.... now its ur turn to die one more time... for me.

GOD....**hits_cig** .......Heavily weigh on im only the pawn, the Rest... your dimentional cause..... cause for living cause for death but no less short of one last breath. Here's a gambler who's seen the devil,in all places of all faces... relying on me to twist the table yea undo the time...all in name of God u this empire take nothing from the terrors at night, for the devil that gift-wraps ur terror is the same devil that terrorizes me, u see.... just travels a different state of mind is all. Shhhh... we're sinkin.

OVERBOARD....its not in the way i move you, lover. its the way u move when ur in front of me. yeeeaa lets talk about that, have a seat on keep ur cards where i can see em, remove everything but ur taste... those stilettos, yes...ur real life's just started u see, and this keeper is all sand all water..... lets make some walls come crashing down take my hands off your cold sweat, turn to sugar in ma hands.... who said u couldnt be put back together. I can put anything back together, make whole new tones of ur broken glass...ur sandy beach approached me, your un-civilized Sea.... and one force at a time, i take what's urs tonight...and mark inside you, that which glistens in ur eyes tomorrow.

WITH LIBERTY.....some things are just meant to stay well enough alone.... so why the hell don't I just leave u here all alone.. becausethis empire was meant to be, u see.... its called...'mutual regret...'... yes i paid attention to the small details in this craft i give to u... cuz decision-making is no less a good mind fuck than the effects that can come with em..... so as not to let my water run dry your little sand-empire is ma hand to you with all ma heart rambling somewhere inside...but PROPERTY OF MY DECISION.... my suspicous mind,my breathing soul, all the trap doors u could ask for darlin..... freely from one broken man...

AND JUSTICE.....i've said it before and dammit if my sorry ass don't say it again.... I don't seek forgiveness these days more than I seek redemption.....and rightfully so, sometimes there's just not enough forgivness to strongly argue ur case in life... maybe forgiveness is too much to ask in some rooms of the nation u stand in... u open ur hand as u accept this fucka the way i am, as this is the same composer that accepts u the way u are........ and loves you like the way u love me...The Safe....There is no greater revenge than the justice of revenge. So let me play in the back of ur mind as u take my world and cover it in sepia and call it ur little castle in my water, my Queen of Hearts.... and I will loyally stand outside ur gate, bringin home ur every tomorrow. What's sinkin....

FOR ALL.....Fuck the have-nots by giving it all u do got.... on top of the world u see this empire we built, my everything?? My nothing??? Its all in the way these cards fan across ur canvas... enough space between our worlds and no room to breathe... fuckyes u know what u doin.... hangman in your fingers, devil-dog laying on ur chest, waiting to hear which walls are going to crumble first....see the world from atop, just don't turn this place up-side down, for there's a ring to it all, in one truthseeker's name... somewhere in time... elements of this wild blood in a very quick sand, just not quick enough...

a soldier in flaw I'm defending your minds... opposing offensives with cards of all kinds. underarmed and outnumbered is no reason to flee... likewise I'd stay here with my Queen and a three....

uʍop ǝpısdn ɥɔʇıq sıɥʇ uɹnʇ ʇ,uop zǝs ı ʇıɯɯɐp


Peace, Love, Pianos (written in 2008)

Life can't be all peace, love, pianos.... at times u will have ur peace with ur humble pie, other times you will have a little love corrupted... and of course, pianos play destiny and the keys will miss a beat when you stand up to sing... so, stand up and sing.

Kiss me goodbye just don't let me go. The peace will come when I am gone... Hit my cigarette after we cross that bridge. The smoke rings in front of us will fade even tho the love still lingers... Give some regard to distance when ur eyes can't see a destination. Here, pianos will lead you to a place that only time told.... so stand up and sing.

Offer ur shoulder to all, love freely, for peace comes invited when the door to your heart is open. Love magic only if the magic is free. And destiny will play in the madness of one piano, two piano three piano four... hear me now stand up, sing and cry no more.

As I am somewhere between ur thoughts and nowhere in your sight, keep peace in ur watch, for that peace was my fight. As you walk your walk, love the walk, love in the world what the world won't love back, and play destiny for all with missing keys and as always, watch out for falling pianos... playin destiny.. just playin destiny.... stand up and sing, stand up and sing i say.

Life can't be all peace, love, pianos.....

.................... complete

so gone , so gone u think but i know... i know im not so gone i cant think u in my way sometimes, watch me as i hit this, in ur name, somewhere here.... sadness came....... tell me you, tell me what it is i can do... yea tell me it aint easy, but tell me..... tell me its easier to understand... when nothing else matters theres you the cake, there is you the death and then there is, you, my everything... my nothing....... all kept untelling in a sepia-toned thought, perhaps to stay, perhaps to go up, maybe go down, but never do u leave me to manage the multi-layered chaos of crowded thoughts alone... u are more than a friend, ur my accomplice.... so to the best here i give u me, a secret larger than life, stealth along side your world, but here in front of all, rivers and streams.... here me now im sayin not everything is as it seems *hits_cig* fuck sugary philosophy i say....... a true wise man is more willing to attempt the absurd so that he can acheive the impossible... or at least be able to say he tried

so watch me take this broken heart and ima show u broken man... but hear me bet its beating parts and ur seeing the gambler... yes i said i wanted to be heard, i gotta message tonight, watching the moon watching me,hearing more than i can see... the sun will come... this is the best part of my nights but come the morning i know.... i'll only stand here wishing the sun could deliver more than one message... as my feet will move beyond barriers and run across great divides shooting my will to outlive all and saving my last real breath for the last real fight... in 600 rounds per minute- yes take down this message..... bring u peace, peace into me... and ill bring to u, same fucka u know, somewhere i am, somewhere i'll go.... can't say i regret, nor do i wish against the change of time... just take me for who i am, as u are and as u came... for what i give u is free, free to u, not to me......therefore i say, say again... id rather be there, with my Queen and a Three.

She's defined, yet more than a mystery...

I will never understand a woman. I will never fully comprehend her ways, her logic, everything that motivates her, everything that hurts her, everything that she sees in me........ I've done nothing to try and deceive her eyes. I've made no effort to restore the image of a broken man. I am only me. I am only someone whose heart is never fully broken, but always willing to break it a little more in order to experience the kind of love I can never seem to keep. War means more to the women who try and wear me then the way it means to me.... they are impatient, their hearts tell lies and I can only combat what is in front of my eyes I cannot conquer a disbelieving heart..... I am imperfect, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. But no doubt the grand desire I am capable of giving a woman, is no more appreciated by her than is all the rest of the ways I've tried to make her see..... the real me.

She gives her all, loving fiercely and giving it all to the one character in her dreams.... she loves me with all she has, with all she is... and puts me on top of a rainbow she calls hers...... for the real me is seen only when I am lived without for so long.......... she lets me move her unselfishly, not minding the mark I leave upon her in front of the world.... She knows what its like to want to love and hate the world and never be ashamed of laughing upon a dream, a broken dream in front of the world, but a dream unbroken to few who dare to dream so fuckin carelessly and beautifully. SHE TALKS LIKE THIS AND COMMANDS MORE THAN MY ATTENTION SHE COMMANDS MY ALL MY LUST AND ALL OF MY LOVE AND ALL MY TEMPER EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.... my god the way she lusts to love this fucker is more than a turn on its unbearable at times......

She gives her all i said... loves me fiercely.... for who I am, no..... but for who she is..... and to this broken man, there is no other woman like that of a broken woman, broken so finely and so beautifully that every touch she gives is no less than a cut that lasts forever inside places of your heart only few dare to go.... and like a sorceress... she whirlwinds inside my world and blows all the broken pieces about me and scatters it about as her fury against me is felt, is heard by all in her land... she makes no secret of her anger to this fucker who more often doesnt realize he's fucked up until long after she's told me to kiss her ass.....

Tonight she is gone. And like before, she's taken everything back that she'd given to me since the last time we made up. From here, where I stand... in a sandbox of chaos, violence and occassional peace, I can only guess she feels empowered to tell me in so many words, what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine....... For all the way she lusted to love me, she gave me her all, loved me fiercely.... I did my best to return the gesture from as far as I am. Not the first time a woman has given and taken, but its the first time I've ever been affected by those actions from a broken woman.... beautifully broken, finely shattered... in my blood she runs and her neon ways of captivating my hunger for more I finally understand....

She won't ever know what she's done, for I am a man and I have my pride, I will accept her punishment as I have every other time before... Quietly.

but I will never understand a woman......

With Her Hands...

Below heaven and just above Earth, I'm seeing the stars, the stars you painted
With your own hands..... I sit and watch with no light of this moon, but rather, the light of your words, scrolled in your signature... i tell you once again, take me somewhere from this place, this no man's land.... above me, i feel... what you do with your hands.

Below Heaven and just above Earth, there's an echoe whisper, within the walls built around me, built too high for all, but not too high for you. For you know the in's and out's of this empire, you just don't know the way out.... So under this light I close my eyes, and hear what I want, selfish, I know... the things you make me do with your hands....

Tragedies below Heaven, just above Earth, this hand I give to you, my Queen of Hearts.... for my hands are more than what belong in yours, they are the psalm of this unclosed book, about a broken man, a broken heart, fighting inside a broken war, betting against all odds and more....
Take it, show me, those hands you say, above my head these strings you play, the soundtrack to my escape...... Hear me now you are no match here where blood seems to fall where it may, less the chips.... with your hands, rub your eyes and see what i drew on the ground, a full house, a crumbling empire, no.... for the gambler in me does not chance according to weather, i give freely to you, give u me... rather, its the soldier in me whos heart can reach ten degrees, u see... as cold as ice this blood can be, to cope, to leave what's left of me intact, when broken love's all said and done u see... but this u may not wonder, for you hurt the way i hurt, with invisible tears for an unreal pain, without the need to let it show.... Queen of Hearts does your heart know?

This hand I give you, take it, fold it, and play me blind, but we shall make no razordate with our sins... rather, just let me unlace that for you, and to sin, we shall drink up one shot for every time you make me lose my concentration... on this table you will be, in my hands, in front of my eyes, where this place takes no losing hands, only sanctifies em.... tragedies below Heaven, just above Earth...

manage to find me, looking for you, somewhere in between your world and mine, swinging thru ur chaos, raising my blood sugar, breaking all empires in the name of freedom, and rising all choirs, in the name of My Freedom, this broken man, all of a sudden isnt broken standing in your hands.... with those hands, u make me know, that there is indeed a rare beauty to some tragedies below Heaven tonight, just above Earth.
most of the hard work here has been completed. The last of the few major taliban pockets have been driven out and so far its been pretty uneventful... but our job is not to leave this place in the condition its in theres still a lot of progress to make with the afghan army and to help them organize their objectives as a force, and I will move on as quickly as I rode in. I've been asked if i get to go home right after this is and my answer is no. After I'm relieved of this assignment my next stop will be about 400 meters away from here..... the most I will say about what it is that I do exactly is that it is in the Black.

I got to talk to mali when i got back earlier. My truck is in her hands now.... lord help us lol.... my mom going to a baby shower and my brother is on his way over here on a different mission, so i do pray that they all get to where they going and also pray that this progress made here continues as its intended to.
The towns people here have a very simple yet quality way of living, believing and working. In spirit, I can see myself blending in. Yet, if my spirit could talk in World, it would say ' get me the fuck out of here let me go just let me go i say... ' With the US Army Striker Battalion pulling in, and aside from the strong caution that still needs to be implemented, most of us are hoping to say this was a relatively successful mission. DSM
the operation in marjah is not so much a focus on battle more than it is a focus to restore.. restore order, restore freedom and drive out the taliban, whose only focus is to terrorize. What is there NOT to support about that?

I'm way too honest in my humble opinion as a soldier. My job is to do what I am told and nobody understands what that signifies like my fellow soldiers. My only real friends. I get a lot of mail expressing hate and disgust for what it is we're doing. Most of it is from those who enjoy all the benefits of our long history of war. Am I really supposed to believe that you hate me?? Is that really what you want me to believe? I tell you this when you ask me "why are we at war in the first place?" I say the United States Marine Corps is at war, America is at the fuckin mall.. and what you choose to judge me personally with is no more to my soul than garbage in garbage out.

We came across seven IEDs this morning... Thank God for unchartered terrain is all ima say about that... They are getting bigger and more frequent than I seem to recall from before. Maybe I just been gone too long.... Taliban can't be doing this forever, sooner or later they gonna have to stay put and fight and nobody knows when that will be but this fucker feel a storm coming... and my gut never lies to me. As I said, this is not about a battle so much as it is about restoration, building... however under everybody's watch their will be casualties there will be blood and my heart goes out to the civilians who have paid the price in the name of Lost War. May God hand you more than an eternity in peace, may he unite you with the dead children whos mothers and fathers remain alive and walking tonight. s/o
its only been two days that I've been back in the Helmand province. I waited to tell a lot of people I was leaving this time around, until these last few weeks. I am now finding that maybe that wasnt the best thing for me to do because it didnt give anybody a chance to say good bye. I know I hurt a lot of people and I know they wont ever understand why i did it that way, but i also know why i did it and for now thats enough to keep me from feeling too bad about it. I'm not someone who indulges in being glorified, praised or even being missed, I only want a chance to be heard. To be heard when I say, this is not goodbye. I fully intend to return to my America. To my family, to my friends.... This is my 4th tour in combat. Yes I know that the odds lessen for each soldier for every time they go back.... and maybe that is why I need to be able to FEEL like my odds are not lessened any, call me a dreamer, but my mind needs to believe in something, same way my heart does... My company is comprised of the very best, couple I even served with before so the familiarity was almost immediate. My bunk is pretty much just about papers and a small radio for right now, my pen and paper and my laptop (fuckyes gotta have my laptop)..... Called my brother this morning and he said my mother was waiting for me to call her, and so I did. I hate hearing her cry and the most I asked of her was to not seem so sad, I know its a tall order but at least she can be proud of the way she raised me and Adam and Mali... to want to protect her first.
All of my email is backed up and one person even told me that she found it selfish of me to find time to blog but not reply to her message... same old fuckin women man, they'd rather be my keeper than my friend, they'd rather take the understanding without extending any... Maybe I am selfish, I sure as aint going to argue.
As for taking every chance I have to blog I just have to take a moment and say that its no longer an interest its my lifeline... and these days its even more important that i do it. Nuff said.

No Last Names, only Everlasting Life I see...

I wonder if God has a last name.
Don't laugh.

I have a last name you probably have possess one too. Of course we need that bitch stamp in order to bar-code the little life we call ours, right? Ahh the identity scale... what a fuckin assembly line. How foolish could I have been to try and suggest that God's last name could've been anything remotely identifyable to the naked eye, to the naked heart and to the naked spirit.

Its intriguing to realize that some curiosities in life can be explored to the fullest extent of man's capabilities and yet, no one discovery is made one lifetime. Perhaps I've only surfaced with answers He wanted me to have, and never own... and never have I been more settled with that, but I still wonder. Scratch the surface a little as I laugh a little thinking you give a shit to know but...

My quest to un-cover a last name for God began as an alter-boy inside a Catholic mission and resulted in my major in Theology, somewhere in between trying to keep my eyes open and trying to count down the days of rotation in a war he never foretold me about , I realized that where I see God's name I see smoke, but the Heavens even the highest Heavens cannot contain God therefore, I am not disappointed in myself, as it is hardly surprising no human brain has the capacity to fully comprehend him, let alone find a last name to accompany his first, I have learned... yeap thats what I learned.

When it comes to an identity I could spell out, I suppose my conclusion is that Jesus was God's way of spelling himself out.. a last name no, more of an everlasting demonstration of who he is and just who is above all, above all I say... more than a name, his trinity is a seal. Of course some will challenge this to be as truthful as tangible proof, show me a man who can part three ways and remain authentic and I'll show you a man who still has no name to bargain with... Afterall, one of most common identifyable traits of sinners is free will, and God's assurance that we are capable and free to believe a lie if we so fuckin want to, and Satan's ability to twist the truth just enough to make you doubt the obvious....

My name is Damien and I have a last name and I wonder if God has a last name....

I am a reasonable man and understand these days that the less you want, the more you actually gain. You will notice that I spend less time talking about politics and assembly and more time on here sharing what is personal to me, Damien. You might find I have something to share that could be useful to you, you might even get pissed at what I have to say every now and then. You might even find we got some things in common.
Above all, you will see the human in me, the man, the son, the father, the friend, the vet and all the imperfection that comes with me.... some randomn facts about me;

  • I came home from OEF war little over one year ago after a 438 day rotation.
  • I've been blogging in cyber since 2001.
  • I am a college graduate
  • Once married, once divorced
  • I do party
  • I've been writing down all my thoughts since 2004, when injuries I sustained during combat left me with no voice for almost two years.
  • Have a twin brother, and a younger sister and i am a pops

meh... more later maybe