These days...
There is no silence to corner my thoughts, or to divide one lifetime from another....
There is, instead, one sun, a moon, one soul and i do proclaim, i've lived and died a thousand times.
and my intentions to outlive do not go to waste, no matter the weather inside my heart, when it is dead to the world, when it is dead to me...
i see, i aim, call on the phantom madness of his own despair... and pull the fuckin trigger every time.
These days....
I take pictures of the sun
Play the soundscape of its echoes as it descends from my eyes
And the moon rises all mansions of the dead, where the night is my enemy and the Earth is my bed.
A life so changed by all turns of time, i'm reminded that a home is only a frame of mind
These days.....
Paradise is so far from this world, as u take from me,
What belongs to all of us, that this is what i bet; Heaven is somewhere, it is not here.
and the broken hearts, this broken soul.... i pick up these pieces but don't know where they go.
When the sun rises, takes with it, my will to un-think the night... not so much ur tv entertainment that wakes me up from a seldom dead sleep, its the reality that u will never grasp.
These days.....
I move on like a rainy day, forget to say what i meant to say
i walk alone, i walk away, look back to my death just waiting there,
and fuck.. i said i would, but i don't care...... what's one more line in the sand?
These days....
I run to get even, to the rythmn of a higher law,
That's one thing my target understands....
neither life nor death matters, only salvation. and I don't deny it, the hymn of my life is but
just one more wild ride, driven by a wild blood, hardened by a wild side, embraced by a wild Love.....
These days....
I spin my nights to shadow ur days, this empire is one of a million ways
to see me from all angles of ur burning sun... what i give, u take... what u bend, i break.
My hands say more than they once did before.... hold a smoke, as i dream away, one Letter at a time, one hit... one more time.... fuckyes. these days im doin.
About me.
ABOUT LIFE:
- i never had a bucket list. but i do got a things to do list from 2007 that i haven't touched since i wrote it.
- im generally a cheery fucker.
- i was recently enlightened to the idea that i get what i vibrate. i can only understand it when i look at it like karma's crazy cousin. the bi-polar one.
- sham-wow was my idea. i just can't prove it.
- i believe in angels. i know there's a god. and i am respectful of everybody who disagrees until they try and change my mind.
- i don't mean to brag, but i've survived about five raptures.
ABOUT THE PAST:
- im not too proud to say that there are things i would go back and do over.
- ok. yea. i was that kid who got his head stuck between two wrought iron bars at the mall.
- i once owned Castle Grayskull.
- when i was single i was notorious for the drunk dial.
SELF-DISCOVERIES:
- i tend to want to share anything i have. i believe this might come from having to split everything in twos when i was growing up.
- i go very quiet for some reason when a pretty woman touches my hands.
- if it lights up then there's no hope for me. i will take it apart.
- i'm aware that i swear too much. but the world would go silent if i ever tried to stop.
- im getting used to people noticing my trachea scar and asking about it. but hey, i hear scars are the new tattoos...
- sometimes i think too much, so it go without saying that the sky is the limit when it comes to sexual fantasies.
- despite the invisible walls around me that seem to intimidate people my age, some shit don't change. im a fuckin kid magnet.
- im a habitual flirt. sorry if i ever took a stab at u.
ABOUT FRIENDS:
- if you have ever told me off and u are reading this, i think ur special or u just know way too much to just cut loose like a fuckin wild horse.
- i'm the kind of head that will brighten ur day even if i can't brighten my own.
- it doesn't matter who u are. don't matter if its innocent. if u say words like head, hairy, squirt, hole and glory, i will laugh until it hurts.
- if u tell me u love me when im angry i will usually fight back.
- 99% of the time i do care. even when i pretend not to.
- i'm just not one of those that settles for a weak character. therefore i got my share of haters and i got those i don't get along with, on and offline.
ABOUT FOOD:
- if i got cookies around i will skip a full course meal and go for the cookie instead.
- i randomly become lactose intolerant. still havent figured out exactly why it strikes and no i dont want to know.
- if it starts with a 't' and ends in a 'les' or 'ines' fuck that. i wont eat it. i'll take a cookie.
- i dont think i will ever eat that egg and tomato sandwich that rita made me on tuesday. why is it still sitting in my fridge? i got hard time letting go of shit these days. or i'll get around to it eventually.
- Cinnamon Toast Crunch once held a special place in my heart until i puked it for two straight days. i think the milk was bad.
CONFESSIONS:
- i am my own worst enemy sometimes.
- i've been accused of being oversexed. i'm guilty.
- i'm territorial. not jealous. territorial.
- its not as hard for me to see life for what it is these days...
- 99% of the time when i hear the word 'no', i take it as a sign for 'try again tomorrow'.
- i'm very open about myself even when my intentions are to not be.
- i never had a bucket list. but i do got a things to do list from 2007 that i haven't touched since i wrote it.
- im generally a cheery fucker.
- i was recently enlightened to the idea that i get what i vibrate. i can only understand it when i look at it like karma's crazy cousin. the bi-polar one.
- sham-wow was my idea. i just can't prove it.
- i believe in angels. i know there's a god. and i am respectful of everybody who disagrees until they try and change my mind.
- i don't mean to brag, but i've survived about five raptures.
ABOUT THE PAST:
- im not too proud to say that there are things i would go back and do over.
- ok. yea. i was that kid who got his head stuck between two wrought iron bars at the mall.
- i once owned Castle Grayskull.
- when i was single i was notorious for the drunk dial.
SELF-DISCOVERIES:
- i tend to want to share anything i have. i believe this might come from having to split everything in twos when i was growing up.
- i go very quiet for some reason when a pretty woman touches my hands.
- if it lights up then there's no hope for me. i will take it apart.
- i'm aware that i swear too much. but the world would go silent if i ever tried to stop.
- im getting used to people noticing my trachea scar and asking about it. but hey, i hear scars are the new tattoos...
- sometimes i think too much, so it go without saying that the sky is the limit when it comes to sexual fantasies.
- despite the invisible walls around me that seem to intimidate people my age, some shit don't change. im a fuckin kid magnet.
- im a habitual flirt. sorry if i ever took a stab at u.
ABOUT FRIENDS:
- if you have ever told me off and u are reading this, i think ur special or u just know way too much to just cut loose like a fuckin wild horse.
- i'm the kind of head that will brighten ur day even if i can't brighten my own.
- it doesn't matter who u are. don't matter if its innocent. if u say words like head, hairy, squirt, hole and glory, i will laugh until it hurts.
- if u tell me u love me when im angry i will usually fight back.
- 99% of the time i do care. even when i pretend not to.
- i'm just not one of those that settles for a weak character. therefore i got my share of haters and i got those i don't get along with, on and offline.
ABOUT FOOD:
- if i got cookies around i will skip a full course meal and go for the cookie instead.
- i randomly become lactose intolerant. still havent figured out exactly why it strikes and no i dont want to know.
- if it starts with a 't' and ends in a 'les' or 'ines' fuck that. i wont eat it. i'll take a cookie.
- i dont think i will ever eat that egg and tomato sandwich that rita made me on tuesday. why is it still sitting in my fridge? i got hard time letting go of shit these days. or i'll get around to it eventually.
- Cinnamon Toast Crunch once held a special place in my heart until i puked it for two straight days. i think the milk was bad.
CONFESSIONS:
- i am my own worst enemy sometimes.
- i've been accused of being oversexed. i'm guilty.
- i'm territorial. not jealous. territorial.
- its not as hard for me to see life for what it is these days...
- 99% of the time when i hear the word 'no', i take it as a sign for 'try again tomorrow'.
- i'm very open about myself even when my intentions are to not be.
Sincerely, Me
hi,
it seems like forever and a day since you gave me a real chance to talk to you. Although time keeps passing, there really isn't a minute that goes by that i don't think about you, at least wonder how you are feeling, and
where life is taking you.
Don't think that since we never cross paths anymore that I don't ask myself how much or just how little I must have meant to you. But knowing me, better than I will ever know you, the pain i feel now will someday subside, and I will hope yours does too.
The point of true friendship is rarely achieved in this world anymore. I am a marine, I see the differene all the time. Perhaps it is because, in this day of the disposable age, we so often forget that the ones we honor by calling friend should always, wherever and whenever possible,
remain indispensible...
I tried to warn you I was far from the visions you believed, of the "perfect" me. But you treated me as though it never mattered, and I grew to trust and love you as though it did. Maybe the novelty wore off, and with it,
your patience. Maybe...
Personally, I think your life just got a hell of a lot better almost instantly, and therefore my timing for human error, fatal.
But no spot-on shot in the dark can really answer the one question I will always have; if you truly loved me, when was there ever a good time to throw me away?
Nonetheless. I have faith that you had your reasons for leaving me behind. And i just would like to say that it doesn't mean
I ever left you.
And as you move forward, I do hope that you will care enough to know
I think of you. And in all of your success, I do hope it will be plain to see that I prayed for you.
DSM
it seems like forever and a day since you gave me a real chance to talk to you. Although time keeps passing, there really isn't a minute that goes by that i don't think about you, at least wonder how you are feeling, and
where life is taking you.
Don't think that since we never cross paths anymore that I don't ask myself how much or just how little I must have meant to you. But knowing me, better than I will ever know you, the pain i feel now will someday subside, and I will hope yours does too.
The point of true friendship is rarely achieved in this world anymore. I am a marine, I see the differene all the time. Perhaps it is because, in this day of the disposable age, we so often forget that the ones we honor by calling friend should always, wherever and whenever possible,
remain indispensible...
I tried to warn you I was far from the visions you believed, of the "perfect" me. But you treated me as though it never mattered, and I grew to trust and love you as though it did. Maybe the novelty wore off, and with it,
your patience. Maybe...
Personally, I think your life just got a hell of a lot better almost instantly, and therefore my timing for human error, fatal.
But no spot-on shot in the dark can really answer the one question I will always have; if you truly loved me, when was there ever a good time to throw me away?
Nonetheless. I have faith that you had your reasons for leaving me behind. And i just would like to say that it doesn't mean
I ever left you.
And as you move forward, I do hope that you will care enough to know
I think of you. And in all of your success, I do hope it will be plain to see that I prayed for you.
DSM
pieces of my life; love or faith.
i hold onto the simple things in life. i rarely fear the empty spaces inside my heart so long as i don't take for granted the peace and quiet of the shallow contentment. and while all move about; above me, underneath.. i observe more than my eyes can see alone. and watch as those who already know go on, as those who still question, find answers. and amongst my own angels and demons i roam to find my own. and feel ur eyes watching me.
my instincts take all leads. and i hold my silence against the thoughtless whispers of the outspoken kind. understanding is but a casual encounter for u, but for the cheap thrill of every indifferent bargain, i stand up to speak alone. since the day i was born. i lead. u follow.
i make my message plain. in no particular order im everything u see, and according to the trust i hold in u, u may stand part witness to a broken man half saved and half doomed. yes, in the grand city of restoring wayward ways my heart is still a sidewalk. that constant work in progress completely visible to all who pass me by. but never left to be conquered by any lesser than the common denominator between u and i; yes half saved and half doomed. so the believer in me may only reflect as much light as the believer in u. characterized by my shit-eatin grin, holding on easy, but slowly letting go...
my instincts take all leads. and i hold my silence against the thoughtless whispers of the outspoken kind. understanding is but a casual encounter for u, but for the cheap thrill of every indifferent bargain, i stand up to speak alone. since the day i was born. i lead. u follow.
i make my message plain. in no particular order im everything u see, and according to the trust i hold in u, u may stand part witness to a broken man half saved and half doomed. yes, in the grand city of restoring wayward ways my heart is still a sidewalk. that constant work in progress completely visible to all who pass me by. but never left to be conquered by any lesser than the common denominator between u and i; yes half saved and half doomed. so the believer in me may only reflect as much light as the believer in u. characterized by my shit-eatin grin, holding on easy, but slowly letting go...
practice makes perfect - i stood on a mountain that crumbled from beneath my feet. gravitating expectations and grounding more than my hope, more than my faith, more than my mind and more than the meaning i thought was behind my name... these days i practice more ways of listening with my soul and u speak in ways that do not employ the organized assembly to understand what broke ur heart, just the patience to enjoy the fall.
honesty is the best policy - and if i ever gave u the wrong impression of me, my shallow apologies to u. we all want peace. but we find the eery harmony calling in the broken records hanging inside this house offering wishing wells and rolling dice, so what the fuck are u asking for... and the revolving door of loyalty is running 24 hrs a day. so forgive me for not dividing my heart, i had only one, before she stole it.
u can't please everybody - without regards for diplomacy i give u the truth. i hold myself responsible for making sure i do just fuckin fine. and my own convictions are safely kept where heaven houses an angel with broken wings. but heaven doesn't hold a candle to where i left ur misery behind. u see. if u ever crossed me it was not becuz i lacked the judgement to foretell... if i gave u a chance its cuz i liked u, even if i knew u would take it, fuck urself, like blowin life here on earth straight to hell. u see i always had mine, i was here to help u find urs.
the best things in life are free - not true. salvation is the only thing that is absolutely free. so dont patronize me with words that i can't distinguish between love and deceit. and the heart on my sleeve won't try and turn ur nickle into a dime. yes, lover yes friend. an eye for an eye. hand for a hand. u give me the sun, i'll give u the sky. DSM
honesty is the best policy - and if i ever gave u the wrong impression of me, my shallow apologies to u. we all want peace. but we find the eery harmony calling in the broken records hanging inside this house offering wishing wells and rolling dice, so what the fuck are u asking for... and the revolving door of loyalty is running 24 hrs a day. so forgive me for not dividing my heart, i had only one, before she stole it.
u can't please everybody - without regards for diplomacy i give u the truth. i hold myself responsible for making sure i do just fuckin fine. and my own convictions are safely kept where heaven houses an angel with broken wings. but heaven doesn't hold a candle to where i left ur misery behind. u see. if u ever crossed me it was not becuz i lacked the judgement to foretell... if i gave u a chance its cuz i liked u, even if i knew u would take it, fuck urself, like blowin life here on earth straight to hell. u see i always had mine, i was here to help u find urs.
the best things in life are free - not true. salvation is the only thing that is absolutely free. so dont patronize me with words that i can't distinguish between love and deceit. and the heart on my sleeve won't try and turn ur nickle into a dime. yes, lover yes friend. an eye for an eye. hand for a hand. u give me the sun, i'll give u the sky. DSM
work in progress
i guess its easier to say
it's too late, you don't want me
guess you got your greener pastures
where i got three lines and a setting sun.
tell me where you learned to do that
was there ever a day you needed me?
or if your smile could have spoken true words -
would i have heard my own heart breaking, you see?
hey there don't you turn away
don't you want to see my life walk away?
walk away from me...
hey now baby talk to me
don't you want to tell me what you want to say?
"...Walk away from me"
Aftermath of the Fallen Alter
Taken
this carries a name that bears the sudden conflict of smiles abound and the quiet that never lifted.
when times come that she chooses to cross my mind. she makes me turn away.
But she cannot conceal the fact that nothing remained unchanged after all.
not a ghost in my mind could mirror the encounters of her timeless kind. forces undone all hours i've collected in my hands
and her fantansies engraved at the end of each hour..
when i strike matches to burn the question of whether loss is not always what it seems.
and while i can feel my own heart beating i can only give her what breathing room i always had.
so that as she crosses, i cannot say she really left at all.
but rather brought each borrowed minute with her, and the only bitter cold and sweet sunshine i will ever feel
of her again.
this carries a name that bears the sudden conflict of smiles abound and the quiet that never lifted.
when times come that she chooses to cross my mind. she makes me turn away.
But she cannot conceal the fact that nothing remained unchanged after all.
not a ghost in my mind could mirror the encounters of her timeless kind. forces undone all hours i've collected in my hands
and her fantansies engraved at the end of each hour..
when i strike matches to burn the question of whether loss is not always what it seems.
and while i can feel my own heart beating i can only give her what breathing room i always had.
so that as she crosses, i cannot say she really left at all.
but rather brought each borrowed minute with her, and the only bitter cold and sweet sunshine i will ever feel
of her again.
lessons learned sometimes
sometimes whatever it is, its going to look scarier than it really was meant to be
and sometimes, ur instincts won't be able to tell
but sometimes u are going to just know better when a friend kisses u, theres no going back... even on monday, tuesday, reality... even when the best philosophies sound better. even when the church is empty yes even when the fuckin chairs are on the ceiling i say u just goin to kno better
sometimes maybe is the right answer, and remembering will have to do.
sometimes ur gun is going to jam. and u will say nothing. i'll to u now do not surrender. against all opposition, just before that clear cut ending there is still a two thousand lb bear left inside everybody...
sometimes the cost is going to go up on u, in some places where money doesnt exist.
and sometimes u goin to feel like just giving it away, until there is nothing left of it
sometimes i hate u is no different than i love u, just a different line of bullshit...
sometimes too much is what u really need
sometimes u won't really feel that bullet in the back, but then again, u knew better...
and sometimes its just ur turn, u see
sometimes its too late to apologize, even when u apologizing to me
sometimes u going to let go for good, and the reason -
why... why what. u see sometimes u not ever going to kno why.
but sometimes, torn and burned, u will ask urself out loud anyway and i will tell u all about my lessons learned
sometimes, good people just get rabies.
DSM
and sometimes, ur instincts won't be able to tell
but sometimes u are going to just know better when a friend kisses u, theres no going back... even on monday, tuesday, reality... even when the best philosophies sound better. even when the church is empty yes even when the fuckin chairs are on the ceiling i say u just goin to kno better
sometimes maybe is the right answer, and remembering will have to do.
sometimes ur gun is going to jam. and u will say nothing. i'll to u now do not surrender. against all opposition, just before that clear cut ending there is still a two thousand lb bear left inside everybody...
sometimes the cost is going to go up on u, in some places where money doesnt exist.
and sometimes u goin to feel like just giving it away, until there is nothing left of it
sometimes i hate u is no different than i love u, just a different line of bullshit...
sometimes too much is what u really need
sometimes u won't really feel that bullet in the back, but then again, u knew better...
and sometimes its just ur turn, u see
sometimes its too late to apologize, even when u apologizing to me
sometimes u going to let go for good, and the reason -
why... why what. u see sometimes u not ever going to kno why.
but sometimes, torn and burned, u will ask urself out loud anyway and i will tell u all about my lessons learned
sometimes, good people just get rabies.
DSM
where does faith come from? like literally? is it the same as feelings?
meh. not an easy question wtf
well.
since giving my life to christ, ive come to understand that there are strong differences between faith for a higher power and feelings for a higher power. its been a gradual discovery, a process of natural learning about myself, while struggling... stumbling and learning just who god is.
human emotion is a learned mechanism of surviving. call it a growth hormone... we as, as a whole body, are born into one world. and we as individuals, are born with the ability to feel. but do not be mistaken, we are born selfish creatures..
often times we as humans learn to depend on our emotions to determine our feelings, whether permanent or temporary... chemically driven, can be enhanced by substance or simply produced by the motions of daily living... they influence our relationships, our habits, our trespasses too...they influence us in ways that often times, as the rest of the world evolves around us, our train of thoughts remain stuck, on several tracks... slowly, or very quickly, pulling us in all directions, giving us reasons for which we can only divide our hearts, our minds, sometimes even our souls...
and with no direction in hand, feelings can make or break the promise of new life...
suppose that is why we are so prone to find our faith in other things besides god. we grow dependent on the feelings we find in things that the world offers. be it drugs, alcohol... money. possessions. destructive relationships. the list really do go on and on but u kno how lazy i am u get the jest of it...
fuck i dont want to talk about this. id rather listen to the doors, and let my numbness take the wheel. fuckit im already talkin.... k so
faith is not as easily defined. there is no FAITH 101... it is often mistaken for feelings. yes this i learned the hard way... more importantly tho, ive learned that since giving my life to christ, my feelings don't ever really matter against my faith. here here! have to give thanks, even for the nothings. u see even when the world has shit in my cheerios, i can only make it my first (or second or third)priority to be thankful. not to the world, but to christ. even at my worst, my faith in god is there to pull my hands back and say hey, d fucka, chill the fuck outs bitch.
yes in all my experience of living and losing, ive learned that losing is only temporary. and winning does not even exist.
after completing seminary several years ago (fuck that was a long time ago lol) i looked forward to a life of honesty and redemption. a life of giving to and for god... my years as a firefighter were behind me, or so i thought...
at that time, my feelings were telling me i needed to simply run away. but my faith was driven by the need to get the fuck out of a life where playing with fire was my thrill, and being FIRST was nothing but just another fuckin day on the job... i often had to wonder was my gift for saving lives just a learned skill or was it the bi product of a purpose i did not kno about?
i did kno one thing by then, seeing someone on the brink of death and knowing ur hands are the only hands they have for those few minutes, somehow, god makes himself known around u. u FEEL the urgency. without looking at ur watch u FEEL how many minutes u have. when the persons eyes are fixed on urs, they cannot process what u are saying no matter how loudly u speak in their direction, they are not looking at u. but they FEEL u... load em up, stabilize. give the rest to god ive said.
so yes at that time, i felt god calling me, i heard him... but my eyes could not see fully in his direction. it did not help that getting kicked out of one baptist church (and not yet thrown out of the second) sort of blew the wind out of my fuckin sails.... still, the tat i gave pastor henry's wife came from the heart, semper fi..... and the vodka i gave her was only to numb the pain.
but it was not without making me take a good hard look back and really... really think.... it made no sense. if it was god calling, why was i the way i was... was my faith in him all a dream??? and could i really really abstain from fornicating???? and no smoking??? WTF????? yea. suppose i had some answers to find, and fuck the best ones i could get my hands on, these answer had to be RIGHT. i knew that much.
i realized that it was not god calling me to become a preacher. as good as everybody said i was, that they could feel my words roll off the tip of my tongue and feel the lord coming thru them.... i realized that if anything, god was calling me to do something, but to preach, no. in fact, i realized that even tho i had a passion for the lord and bringing others by the masses to him, it could very well have been turned a weapon, having led the lost straight into the path of destruction, where i was already an expert. shhit. yeeeea. go me right.
moral of the story, i learned the hard way that faith cannot be taught. a person who has none cannot be taught where to grow faith. not any more than a preacher who is lost can be taught how to preach it.
feelings well... it is ok to have feelings. but it is even better to have faith. cuz in this world, we are only human, as primarily lost as we are naturally chosen to be born. as thirsty to conquer as we are hungry for peace. as quick to feel as we are fast to take. as eager to find freedom as we are slow to serve...
DSM
well.
since giving my life to christ, ive come to understand that there are strong differences between faith for a higher power and feelings for a higher power. its been a gradual discovery, a process of natural learning about myself, while struggling... stumbling and learning just who god is.
human emotion is a learned mechanism of surviving. call it a growth hormone... we as, as a whole body, are born into one world. and we as individuals, are born with the ability to feel. but do not be mistaken, we are born selfish creatures..
often times we as humans learn to depend on our emotions to determine our feelings, whether permanent or temporary... chemically driven, can be enhanced by substance or simply produced by the motions of daily living... they influence our relationships, our habits, our trespasses too...they influence us in ways that often times, as the rest of the world evolves around us, our train of thoughts remain stuck, on several tracks... slowly, or very quickly, pulling us in all directions, giving us reasons for which we can only divide our hearts, our minds, sometimes even our souls...
and with no direction in hand, feelings can make or break the promise of new life...
suppose that is why we are so prone to find our faith in other things besides god. we grow dependent on the feelings we find in things that the world offers. be it drugs, alcohol... money. possessions. destructive relationships. the list really do go on and on but u kno how lazy i am u get the jest of it...
fuck i dont want to talk about this. id rather listen to the doors, and let my numbness take the wheel. fuckit im already talkin.... k so
faith is not as easily defined. there is no FAITH 101... it is often mistaken for feelings. yes this i learned the hard way... more importantly tho, ive learned that since giving my life to christ, my feelings don't ever really matter against my faith. here here! have to give thanks, even for the nothings. u see even when the world has shit in my cheerios, i can only make it my first (or second or third)priority to be thankful. not to the world, but to christ. even at my worst, my faith in god is there to pull my hands back and say hey, d fucka, chill the fuck outs bitch.
yes in all my experience of living and losing, ive learned that losing is only temporary. and winning does not even exist.
after completing seminary several years ago (fuck that was a long time ago lol) i looked forward to a life of honesty and redemption. a life of giving to and for god... my years as a firefighter were behind me, or so i thought...
at that time, my feelings were telling me i needed to simply run away. but my faith was driven by the need to get the fuck out of a life where playing with fire was my thrill, and being FIRST was nothing but just another fuckin day on the job... i often had to wonder was my gift for saving lives just a learned skill or was it the bi product of a purpose i did not kno about?
i did kno one thing by then, seeing someone on the brink of death and knowing ur hands are the only hands they have for those few minutes, somehow, god makes himself known around u. u FEEL the urgency. without looking at ur watch u FEEL how many minutes u have. when the persons eyes are fixed on urs, they cannot process what u are saying no matter how loudly u speak in their direction, they are not looking at u. but they FEEL u... load em up, stabilize. give the rest to god ive said.
so yes at that time, i felt god calling me, i heard him... but my eyes could not see fully in his direction. it did not help that getting kicked out of one baptist church (and not yet thrown out of the second) sort of blew the wind out of my fuckin sails.... still, the tat i gave pastor henry's wife came from the heart, semper fi..... and the vodka i gave her was only to numb the pain.
but it was not without making me take a good hard look back and really... really think.... it made no sense. if it was god calling, why was i the way i was... was my faith in him all a dream??? and could i really really abstain from fornicating???? and no smoking??? WTF????? yea. suppose i had some answers to find, and fuck the best ones i could get my hands on, these answer had to be RIGHT. i knew that much.
i realized that it was not god calling me to become a preacher. as good as everybody said i was, that they could feel my words roll off the tip of my tongue and feel the lord coming thru them.... i realized that if anything, god was calling me to do something, but to preach, no. in fact, i realized that even tho i had a passion for the lord and bringing others by the masses to him, it could very well have been turned a weapon, having led the lost straight into the path of destruction, where i was already an expert. shhit. yeeeea. go me right.
moral of the story, i learned the hard way that faith cannot be taught. a person who has none cannot be taught where to grow faith. not any more than a preacher who is lost can be taught how to preach it.
feelings well... it is ok to have feelings. but it is even better to have faith. cuz in this world, we are only human, as primarily lost as we are naturally chosen to be born. as thirsty to conquer as we are hungry for peace. as quick to feel as we are fast to take. as eager to find freedom as we are slow to serve...
DSM
damien do you believe in angels?
angels... of all things i can assume, believe... suppose my answer is yes, firmly. of course i believe in angels.
and when u call me an angel of course i do not believe u.
there are light angels and dark angels.. fuckers here have to believe there are angels.... better the devil u kno in helmand than in ur heart - DSM
'i should be crying but i just cant let that show'
light angels, there are many... got the most commonly known; gardianship, mercy, sacrament... then u got others, thousands of others.... with gifts, functions that serve god's purpose and his alone, not man's. they guide (gen 24:7-40) they protect (psalm 34:7). and they comfort (acts 27:24)
got ur cherubim, seriphim, and yes, then u got ur archangels... another time kid.
'i should be here but i just can't let me show'
dark angels, also known as fallen angels (jude 6)... there is no 'half truth' to their name... these angels were created once in heaven, rebelled against god, and cast down from heaven... they also known as demons. they serve only the works of the devil, who was once lucifer, and became called satan, 'the prince' of fallen angels (ezekiel 28: 12-15).
angels can take the form of humans (hebrews 13:2). although they are not human. they are immortal (luke 20:36), they are innumerable (hebrew 12:24), and their basic characteristics are not what the world has altered in perception and passed down throughout the generations, is not what u see on christmas cards once a year, posses no arrows intended for the unsuspecting heart in cold februaries. is not what society knows as... angels...
'i should be giving but i just cant let me go'
they are divinely created,formed with wings, yes, but uniquely constructed according to their ministry, their purpose in which they carry out god's primary instructions...
not here to be found nor glorified, misconceived. but here to find u, and give u a msg....
of course i do not believe u i said.. im only a man.
'i should be falling but i just can't fall no more'
DSM
and when u call me an angel of course i do not believe u.
there are light angels and dark angels.. fuckers here have to believe there are angels.... better the devil u kno in helmand than in ur heart - DSM
'i should be crying but i just cant let that show'
light angels, there are many... got the most commonly known; gardianship, mercy, sacrament... then u got others, thousands of others.... with gifts, functions that serve god's purpose and his alone, not man's. they guide (gen 24:7-40) they protect (psalm 34:7). and they comfort (acts 27:24)
got ur cherubim, seriphim, and yes, then u got ur archangels... another time kid.
'i should be here but i just can't let me show'
dark angels, also known as fallen angels (jude 6)... there is no 'half truth' to their name... these angels were created once in heaven, rebelled against god, and cast down from heaven... they also known as demons. they serve only the works of the devil, who was once lucifer, and became called satan, 'the prince' of fallen angels (ezekiel 28: 12-15).
angels can take the form of humans (hebrews 13:2). although they are not human. they are immortal (luke 20:36), they are innumerable (hebrew 12:24), and their basic characteristics are not what the world has altered in perception and passed down throughout the generations, is not what u see on christmas cards once a year, posses no arrows intended for the unsuspecting heart in cold februaries. is not what society knows as... angels...
'i should be giving but i just cant let me go'
they are divinely created,formed with wings, yes, but uniquely constructed according to their ministry, their purpose in which they carry out god's primary instructions...
not here to be found nor glorified, misconceived. but here to find u, and give u a msg....
of course i do not believe u i said.. im only a man.
'i should be falling but i just can't fall no more'
DSM
unheard
theres a fool i know he walks with a stride that carries a message. that she will never hear.. confused in all his steps, unbalanced but carefully he still walks between those invisible lines....
guess in detail, she hid no weapons that he didn't already see... that weary discourse, governed by her broken heart.. and then sentenced by it... nobody to blame tho, he took his own chances.
but still... patterned forever beneath the fool, and against the impression of every print left behind him, un-moved is the un-broken truth of this pen, and unheard is the veiled name of these words...
the message undelivered is all yours to come for.
hey fool! the world speaks of holes in the heart, filled with darkness and judged heavily by sharp tongues. and shadows casted yes, but he asks the world without the darkness where would the light go? yes, a fool.... whos hands are not without blood but by god's grace are weightless as she feels the cold inside them holding tight for the moment, her own fallacies.
hey fool! for all the tears u breathe there is not one that breathes back for u. but my friend.... i do know this, at one time for one man, a woman can be both a breath and a vision, a sound and a feeling.... the bold question on the surface of his face, and an equal answer to observe. and he can look back suddenly and see clearly,
that holding her brought all the darkness in the world, and shine all the light in its wake....
u obviously did not know him...
but she knew who he was...
and fool, he walks amongst his reasons. but to bare her sadness, he'd have to walk with all her seconds lost and a thousand more lives to divide and so why disorganize all the jumble? its made the neon-lit walk so much more about learning and less about gaining.... suppose that is his light... and... the message carried beneath his feet is NOTHING CUZ U LIED. but still it is drawn from the same eery entrapment by which is she crawls and feeds. for all that is unseen, and unspoken in words.... of a message she will never hear.
i don't want to be angry no more.
DSM
guess in detail, she hid no weapons that he didn't already see... that weary discourse, governed by her broken heart.. and then sentenced by it... nobody to blame tho, he took his own chances.
but still... patterned forever beneath the fool, and against the impression of every print left behind him, un-moved is the un-broken truth of this pen, and unheard is the veiled name of these words...
the message undelivered is all yours to come for.
hey fool! the world speaks of holes in the heart, filled with darkness and judged heavily by sharp tongues. and shadows casted yes, but he asks the world without the darkness where would the light go? yes, a fool.... whos hands are not without blood but by god's grace are weightless as she feels the cold inside them holding tight for the moment, her own fallacies.
hey fool! for all the tears u breathe there is not one that breathes back for u. but my friend.... i do know this, at one time for one man, a woman can be both a breath and a vision, a sound and a feeling.... the bold question on the surface of his face, and an equal answer to observe. and he can look back suddenly and see clearly,
that holding her brought all the darkness in the world, and shine all the light in its wake....
u obviously did not know him...
but she knew who he was...
and fool, he walks amongst his reasons. but to bare her sadness, he'd have to walk with all her seconds lost and a thousand more lives to divide and so why disorganize all the jumble? its made the neon-lit walk so much more about learning and less about gaining.... suppose that is his light... and... the message carried beneath his feet is NOTHING CUZ U LIED. but still it is drawn from the same eery entrapment by which is she crawls and feeds. for all that is unseen, and unspoken in words.... of a message she will never hear.
i don't want to be angry no more.
DSM
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic (Original Version)
we were born before the wind
...smell the sea and feel the sky
i will be comin home..
...smell the sea and feel the sky
i will be comin home..
REM - Everybody hurts (with lyrics)
:P yea everybody hurts...
suppose everybody feels like letting go sometimes
just a thought
How can somebody you loved and said they loved you be so fuckin full of hate...fuck is it possible to love and hate someone?
good question. tho not one with any yes or no answer.
the stone cold truth of a person's heart is never fully revealed no matter how honest one claims to be. and i am learning quickly that both love and hate are seperately, more than a feeling. and each carries more than a complicated definition. yet each is no more than a decision one chooses to make. more power than the world can handle, let alone one person, with one heart.
i believe there is love. that there is hate. and somewhere in all her justification to love me, and to hate me... there are lies.
DSM
the stone cold truth of a person's heart is never fully revealed no matter how honest one claims to be. and i am learning quickly that both love and hate are seperately, more than a feeling. and each carries more than a complicated definition. yet each is no more than a decision one chooses to make. more power than the world can handle, let alone one person, with one heart.
i believe there is love. that there is hate. and somewhere in all her justification to love me, and to hate me... there are lies.
DSM
what is the holy bible
this answer is over a year late. better late than... im sorry its late
first, a little about me. i prefer to call it the scriptures.
simply put, the holy bible is a compilation of instruction and guidance written by the hand of men, specifically chosen and divinely inspired by God himself, and given to the world.
the holy bible is god's revelation of himself to man, and the passages inscribed, are authored by god himself, and they reveal the principles by which god judges us, reveals the way and truth to eternal salvation of the human soul and without any mixture of error, extends his command for all human conduct, creeds and is the testimony of his attitude toward all men.
DSM
should be noted that all scripture is documented in the name of Christ, who is Himself the focus of divine revelation.
i am too lazy to cite my sources, all of which consist of various passages of the bible. take it or leave it i dont care anymore
first, a little about me. i prefer to call it the scriptures.
simply put, the holy bible is a compilation of instruction and guidance written by the hand of men, specifically chosen and divinely inspired by God himself, and given to the world.
the holy bible is god's revelation of himself to man, and the passages inscribed, are authored by god himself, and they reveal the principles by which god judges us, reveals the way and truth to eternal salvation of the human soul and without any mixture of error, extends his command for all human conduct, creeds and is the testimony of his attitude toward all men.
DSM
should be noted that all scripture is documented in the name of Christ, who is Himself the focus of divine revelation.
i am too lazy to cite my sources, all of which consist of various passages of the bible. take it or leave it i dont care anymore
darkness i heard u
walk with me... some people are so fucked up.
i have nothing but the broken path i lead. but even that in which i lead your feet pay no price so, just come with me. i got pieces of a heart that rarely bleeds your color of red, but u have seen how they manage, and find no reason to fight the demons in my way. and my heart, though undivided, is only willing to fuck, and fight, and fuck some more, for what is rightfully not mine..... cuz unlike u, she breathes for me.
man of a complicated life, maybe many. but more willing to risk it all on a dime, and for what u might ask. figure nothing, forget it all u see, ur understanding is not mine to gain but i will raise ur cheap assumptions, drink to the bottom of your judgment and still bet the fuckin house u have only a heart made of stone to bargain with, not flesh. so keep ur give a damn i got mine.
and in all that we stand for i paid for ur freedom and fear not the thrill of free-falling. for all ur hate in me alone, will craft the cage that breaks ur fall (here we go) and accordingly where u seek clarity in others u will think of me.
where ur granted forgiveness.
and especially where u are not.
instinctively.
u will think of me.
when those who give.
suddenly take away.
u will think of me.
and when u dream.
dream impossible.
impossible things and yes.
there i'll be....
now come sit with me.
pay no attention to the things i kno now. the dust will break, and settle in broken time and... i take back no prayer, i knelt for u. but for one infinite moment let us find ourselves at the beginning. where u told me that a true man was all i had to be. i let u close enough, to ask of invisible scars and hear pain that i speak in languages my tongue cannot interpret, and u still sang to me... i got close enough, to see u love others and i asked u, why me. and the tears u shed, though not from ur eyes they fell from the sky... cuz i failed. and i trusted u. i guess just to be good to me... and now let me ask, afterall u had spoken, which one of your faces was talking to me.
a man with no fault, no. in fact, when i said broken, u should have listened to me. but i took my punches and i'm no stranger to the mountains of lies that can fester in between. but u, beyond the blame that i've inherited of those who crossed u before me, there is the absense of ur loyalty... u also took the pieces i did not have. and like a self-inflicted gunshot to my own heart in place of yours i laid in their bed for u, and cry their tears for u, and i paid their price for u... and without one thought for recourse i let you fall back into my hands where i forgave u anyway. and by no human devices of my own i have lived and i have learned and i will not go down with you i would rather walk and simply claim this loss. but u can't ever say i let u down.
and may god help u as i walk on without u and u give ur thoughts away. u will never again underestimate the power
of
me.
DSM
i have nothing but the broken path i lead. but even that in which i lead your feet pay no price so, just come with me. i got pieces of a heart that rarely bleeds your color of red, but u have seen how they manage, and find no reason to fight the demons in my way. and my heart, though undivided, is only willing to fuck, and fight, and fuck some more, for what is rightfully not mine..... cuz unlike u, she breathes for me.
man of a complicated life, maybe many. but more willing to risk it all on a dime, and for what u might ask. figure nothing, forget it all u see, ur understanding is not mine to gain but i will raise ur cheap assumptions, drink to the bottom of your judgment and still bet the fuckin house u have only a heart made of stone to bargain with, not flesh. so keep ur give a damn i got mine.
and in all that we stand for i paid for ur freedom and fear not the thrill of free-falling. for all ur hate in me alone, will craft the cage that breaks ur fall (here we go) and accordingly where u seek clarity in others u will think of me.
where ur granted forgiveness.
and especially where u are not.
instinctively.
u will think of me.
when those who give.
suddenly take away.
u will think of me.
and when u dream.
dream impossible.
impossible things and yes.
there i'll be....
now come sit with me.
pay no attention to the things i kno now. the dust will break, and settle in broken time and... i take back no prayer, i knelt for u. but for one infinite moment let us find ourselves at the beginning. where u told me that a true man was all i had to be. i let u close enough, to ask of invisible scars and hear pain that i speak in languages my tongue cannot interpret, and u still sang to me... i got close enough, to see u love others and i asked u, why me. and the tears u shed, though not from ur eyes they fell from the sky... cuz i failed. and i trusted u. i guess just to be good to me... and now let me ask, afterall u had spoken, which one of your faces was talking to me.
a man with no fault, no. in fact, when i said broken, u should have listened to me. but i took my punches and i'm no stranger to the mountains of lies that can fester in between. but u, beyond the blame that i've inherited of those who crossed u before me, there is the absense of ur loyalty... u also took the pieces i did not have. and like a self-inflicted gunshot to my own heart in place of yours i laid in their bed for u, and cry their tears for u, and i paid their price for u... and without one thought for recourse i let you fall back into my hands where i forgave u anyway. and by no human devices of my own i have lived and i have learned and i will not go down with you i would rather walk and simply claim this loss. but u can't ever say i let u down.
and may god help u as i walk on without u and u give ur thoughts away. u will never again underestimate the power
of
me.
DSM
Sunday
tell me why u came to me
i saw u, walking this way, and watched ur lips mouth foreign philosophies
tell me how it is i can understand u
a man with no witness; a man with no particular place in mind....
tell me why u came to me
im a hundred times more desperate to outlive u, equally outnumbered, and in some conspicuous ways, already dead
then tell me how it is i can understand u
a man of anonymous fears; but the running kind; a man with no particular place to hide....
tell me what she said to me
before she disappeared, scattered into thin air, and ur eyes turned to glass.. quite the bomb she held for u
and even still i ask how it is i can understand u
the man who took her there, and left her there; yes, that man with no particular heart inside...
translate my offering while i stand above ur eyes. make me the last man u see... notice the nights, all tossing and turning deep inside? they fighting for her, what is left of me.
this u see cuz who else woulda known, against these odds and promises made; that i'd risk all with two twos if i've already paid...
and my grand illusions of me going home, living away the good, leaving behind my vices... its not hard to understand where i want to be
but then again, all the predictions in my mind are only temporary
tho the outcome is all of mine to dream....
tell me why u came to me...
i saw u, walking this way, and watched ur lips mouth foreign philosophies
tell me how it is i can understand u
a man with no witness; a man with no particular place in mind....
tell me why u came to me
im a hundred times more desperate to outlive u, equally outnumbered, and in some conspicuous ways, already dead
then tell me how it is i can understand u
a man of anonymous fears; but the running kind; a man with no particular place to hide....
tell me what she said to me
before she disappeared, scattered into thin air, and ur eyes turned to glass.. quite the bomb she held for u
and even still i ask how it is i can understand u
the man who took her there, and left her there; yes, that man with no particular heart inside...
translate my offering while i stand above ur eyes. make me the last man u see... notice the nights, all tossing and turning deep inside? they fighting for her, what is left of me.
this u see cuz who else woulda known, against these odds and promises made; that i'd risk all with two twos if i've already paid...
and my grand illusions of me going home, living away the good, leaving behind my vices... its not hard to understand where i want to be
but then again, all the predictions in my mind are only temporary
tho the outcome is all of mine to dream....
tell me why u came to me...
Matisyahu - One Day - Lyrics
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
Waiting
the last sentence in diane's last letter to me said, u just get your ass back home in one piece so i can kick your ass hahaha i love u fucka man. i keep opening that letter, as if im expecting the words to suddenly change.
this was the same day her heart just gave out, inside an auto shop, according to an email i got the next day from her sister. i know most of her family could care less for me. that's ok, how shit goes when things dont work out but as long as they kno im prayin for her. and as long as jadie knows i got her in my thoughts and prayers too.....
so times are hard right now and when the goin get tough i tend to go it alone. not something i can help even tho i have tried. besides, no smile i could crack right would be real anyway.
in these times i find it necessary to take the moments i got and spend them on prayer. prayer not only works like no medicine man has ever been able to duplicate in modern science, but it is the only way god understands our questions. ponders our answers. considers all we bring to him, and take from him, regardless of outcomes or what some call, his mysterious ways. diane always mentions god's mysterious ways. perhaps she understanding them better than i do these days...
they sayin to prepare for the worst with diane, but i refuse to take the doctors word alone i will not doubt their clinical opinions, as a 15 yr veteran firefighter paramedic i kno just what 'prepare for the worst' means. but they have not ever known diane, and im sure they seein for themselves now she is no woman in compromising positions, she a warrior.
this was the same day her heart just gave out, inside an auto shop, according to an email i got the next day from her sister. i know most of her family could care less for me. that's ok, how shit goes when things dont work out but as long as they kno im prayin for her. and as long as jadie knows i got her in my thoughts and prayers too.....
so times are hard right now and when the goin get tough i tend to go it alone. not something i can help even tho i have tried. besides, no smile i could crack right would be real anyway.
in these times i find it necessary to take the moments i got and spend them on prayer. prayer not only works like no medicine man has ever been able to duplicate in modern science, but it is the only way god understands our questions. ponders our answers. considers all we bring to him, and take from him, regardless of outcomes or what some call, his mysterious ways. diane always mentions god's mysterious ways. perhaps she understanding them better than i do these days...
they sayin to prepare for the worst with diane, but i refuse to take the doctors word alone i will not doubt their clinical opinions, as a 15 yr veteran firefighter paramedic i kno just what 'prepare for the worst' means. but they have not ever known diane, and im sure they seein for themselves now she is no woman in compromising positions, she a warrior.
not yet titled...
to remember the things and the way things used to be... from a life now governed by the pieces of me.
every now and then, go back to the familiar territory of this broken man, welcomed and unthoughtfully scaped in all sinful directions, and with a moral purpose not clearly defined, only evident by the footprints patterned, in perfect circles shown from above.
not yet mastered the labrynth of this broken heart, which was once a pyramid, now grounded and reorganized to span across all that signifies the man u see, wandering, but with no desire to be found. so never try to figure me out, or u will only learn to love what u have become.. and though u might catch me rambling sporadically in and out of ur mind, in the end i will only leave with the door open... 'someday this cage will pay off', i say.
and the conflict... all the conflict of a broken mind. i know the difference between the rights and wrongs. its where one hand falls inside the other that i rediscover all in life is only temporary, and that sometimes we cannot choose our battles, or choose our lovers, we can only decide if we would do it all over again.
and in where i speak my ungraded thoughts, only the guilty can detect the convicted shadows casted of a knowing man... and the words, they find life and breathe into the shallow graves of those who think they must be living, but who are really not living at all.... and the talkers? well dont believe everything u hear about me, check their pulse instead.
in thinking back, i can feel the fragments of the life i lived anyway u see... the undetermined feelings for the all things i couldnt change, and all the ways i could have but didn't. all the ways she loved me before, and all the ways she love me now.... and u cannot change what is written in my blood on all the judges walls, inscribed is the best and worst of me. rewound and replayed.... the sounds of the old days calling me.
are u still following?
and i think a little to the left, then a little to the right, but keep my balance before my pride, crossing bridges that still fall behind me. leaving the parts of the past that already killed me, while bringing back what always belonged to u. see what u love about me? whatever broken just happens to be... need not ever underestimate these pieces of me.
every now and then, go back to the familiar territory of this broken man, welcomed and unthoughtfully scaped in all sinful directions, and with a moral purpose not clearly defined, only evident by the footprints patterned, in perfect circles shown from above.
not yet mastered the labrynth of this broken heart, which was once a pyramid, now grounded and reorganized to span across all that signifies the man u see, wandering, but with no desire to be found. so never try to figure me out, or u will only learn to love what u have become.. and though u might catch me rambling sporadically in and out of ur mind, in the end i will only leave with the door open... 'someday this cage will pay off', i say.
and the conflict... all the conflict of a broken mind. i know the difference between the rights and wrongs. its where one hand falls inside the other that i rediscover all in life is only temporary, and that sometimes we cannot choose our battles, or choose our lovers, we can only decide if we would do it all over again.
and in where i speak my ungraded thoughts, only the guilty can detect the convicted shadows casted of a knowing man... and the words, they find life and breathe into the shallow graves of those who think they must be living, but who are really not living at all.... and the talkers? well dont believe everything u hear about me, check their pulse instead.
in thinking back, i can feel the fragments of the life i lived anyway u see... the undetermined feelings for the all things i couldnt change, and all the ways i could have but didn't. all the ways she loved me before, and all the ways she love me now.... and u cannot change what is written in my blood on all the judges walls, inscribed is the best and worst of me. rewound and replayed.... the sounds of the old days calling me.
are u still following?
and i think a little to the left, then a little to the right, but keep my balance before my pride, crossing bridges that still fall behind me. leaving the parts of the past that already killed me, while bringing back what always belonged to u. see what u love about me? whatever broken just happens to be... need not ever underestimate these pieces of me.
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